Bunch of incoherent stuff

I’m beat. Been moving crap for five days now. And what did I learn? Too much crap.

Also discovered a lot of anger trapped in those boxes that have been in the storage unit for the past year. Anger I’m not sure I can even explain. His voice coming out of the boxes – “pack this, you may want it” – as I toss shit out. His voice telling me what to do. His voice telling me way too many things that I let him tell me. It’s something I have to look at and move past because it grows stronger every day.

It’s strange how he WAS my life and now I can’t stand the thought of having him in my life at all. I don’t tell him what I’m doing because I don’t want him to know. I don’t even want him over at my new place because I don’t want his energy here. In fact, I smudged the apartment when I moved in, just to cover all the bases and make sure any energy in here was mine and positive, and now I feel like I want to smudge it again once I get really settled to dispel his negative energy that’s been trapped in these boxes. And I guess been trapped in me. I’m stunned at the depth of my anger towards him and haven’t yet found an outlet for it. I can’t let it out on him because it’ll probably kill him. I need to find a way, though, because I don’t want it to fester and really become bitter and resentful.

It’s also been a bit of an emotional roller coaster, unpacking all this stuff. Happy memories, sad memories, angry memories. Some surprises. Some moving things, like finding a picture of a friend of ours who just passed away recently. Found stuff from my first marriage. Found of picture of Shawn and remembered how much I loved him then. I thought he was the most incredible man I had ever met. Still qualifies as one of the sexiest, in my eyes. He could curl my toes just walking in the room. Not sure anyone has done that since him. I dare you to try. Wait, this is how I end up with some weirdo’s hand in my shirt.

The first night here, I was so grateful and moved for having the blessing of my own place. It’s quiet, it’s peaceful, it’s just me. And that’s good. The second night I was overwhelmed with what to do with my life now that I’m here and I’m alone and I can do whatever I want for the first time in almost 20 years. The third night I came to the conclusion I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life and no guy is going to see the inside of my bedroom other than creepy cable guy or someone coming over for a party. Or Erik, since he was here the other day. No one will ever spend the night with me here. That was the third night.

Now, it’s just chaos in here with everything being yanked out of storage. I have to, in fact, put stuff away so I can empty the stuff out of my car because right now, there’s nowhere to put anything.

CHANGING TOPICS

Just thought I’d warn you.

Had two very interesting conversations in the past few days which really tells about how differently men and women communicate. Men apparently don’t want to hear if you care about them. They prefer the high school method of “can you ask him if he likes me and then tell him that I like him and then tell me if he likes me so I can tell you to tell him…” Women would prefer the much more direct approach – and honest approach – “I’m in love with you and I think you’re neat and I want to kiss you.” Watch any romantic comedy, that’s the way women want to be communicated with, as much as we deny it. Why do you think we watch them?

Then I walked with my friend, Anna, for an hour today, analyzing each other’s lives and what we’re both going through right now. Then I think we realized that neither of us knows anything about anything. Although it was nice to talk to someone who is my contemporary. I love Zadra and many of my friends but so many of them are so much younger and don’t understand what coming out of a 17 year relationship is like. She’s coming out of a ten year marriage and we both struggle with the same issues and the same feelings. Are we doing the right thing? Was leaving the right thing? What the hell do I do now? Am I doing the right thing now? How do you know it’s the right thing? Unless you’ve been there, it’s hard to understand coming out of that kind of a committed thing to being completely on your own. I still struggle with making decisions by myself and not having to take someone else into consideration. It feels weird but I’m getting used to it.

Anyway, rambling and tired and happy and mixed up and lonely and thrilled and sad and blue and lonely and happy and anxious and optimistic and so many other things. Maybe the next blog will make more sense and it won’t be after four days of moving in this stupid heat. Thanks for hanging in and trying to follow the thread.