What I learned this weekend

I did the 48 Hour Film Project again this year. Check out my blog on Myspace (http://www.myspace.com/lifeonitsside) for all the details, since most of you subscribe there anyway.

What I wanted to post here are my personal thoughts from the weekend (no, get out, really?).

First of all, I moved past an old issue that reared its ugly head again just as we were getting underway on Friday. Six months ago, this would have crippled me and I would have spent the weekend doubting myself and beating myself up. But between the support I got from my dearest friends and collaborators and particularly hearing Chairman’s response to this made me realize that this is something so not worth even these few words. I have spent so much of my time worrying how others perceive me and allow their negativity and destructive tendencies to influence me that it almost literally killed me. I have tried to be what everyone wants me to be and it left me immobile with depression. I have tried to make everyone else happy but myself and it left me devastated by those who will never be happy. I realize and accept that this issue is out of my hands, it has nothing to do with the me that I am today and it is an issue I no longer have to deal with. I can choose to let it destroy all the work I have put in over the last year or I can take it for what it is – leftovers from my other life, issues that are not mine, something I cannot control – and just let it go. It will resolve itself in whatever way it’s going to. I can’t let it be an influence on me now.

There, done with that.

Instead, I focused on what is true – I kick ass. Of course, the Life On Its Side repertory company helps with the ass-kicking but a lot of it is me. I have really grown as a filmmaker and I enjoy the process so much. I loved writing this piece – “Weight of the Word” – a satirical political drama about free speech set in the not too distant present. It’s an idea I had for last year’s 48 Hour Film Project but I didn’t draw the appropriate genre to do it in. This year, I got drama, which worked perfectly.

I enjoyed writing the script and appreciated the fact that the cast showed up Saturday, salivating to get going. That reaction chased away what little insecurity I had over the script.

We worked like a well-oiled machine, which is why I like working with these people. The machine broke down Sunday – the machine literally as gremlins possessed my hard drive – but we still made it.

As some of us shared dinner and drinks Saturday night after a very hot, humid, icky day of shooting, I looked around me in wonder. To my left, Monica and Erik, one long time friend, one brand new one. Erik has been an amazing support through our fairly short relationship and I think I overlook that sometimes. I guess without my knowing it, he has sneaked in as the fourth to my favorite three guys. I knew someone would eventually and I’m glad it’s him. Monica’s an inspiration every day and so tolerant of my ramblings. Beth, my DP and new buddy, was on my right, giggling and melting ice cubes in the candle (don’t ask). Lindsay Wray sat a bit down from me and I realized what a pleasure she is to work with and what an amazing woman she is. Glad she’s joined the rep company, both my budding one and the Ark. And, of course, Chairman sitting across from me.

I keep saying this but I have never been happier. To see these people in my life, so encouraging, so supportive, so loving, is overwhelming even now. I realize so much of my life I didn’t have that unconditional support because I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted. It’s impossible for people to really get behind you and push when they can’t see what you’re pushing. This is the first real group of people who haven’t been long time friends (others than Chairman) who see me as Susan, the artist, and treat me with such respect it leaves me speechless.

The icing on the cake was Sunday when we finally managed to hand the film off (3 minutes to spare – details on Myspace). One of the other groups who I admire so much, Genesis Films, were there – Kennedy and JP. These are amazing filmmakers. They made a film noir a few years ago that was breathtaking. When I walked in, Kennedy jumped up and hugged me and gushed about how glad she was to see me. I was under Life On Its Side this year and she had looked for my old company name, disappointed to not see it there. They raved about “Dark Guitar”, which was the piece I made last year, and expressed how excited they are to see “Weight of the Word,” despite the technical problems we had. I was so flattered to be included and appreciated in this community by people I admire so much. That’s the beauty of the 48 Hour Film Project, everyone’s there to support everyone else. Most of the time, egos are checked at the door and everyone’s excited to see what you can really do in 48 hours.

So I came home last night after sharing drinks with Kennedy, JP, Beth and Chairman and a handful of others, thinking how much I have grown since we did this last year. I was finding my way but still full of insecurity. Still felt like I needed to get permission from those around me to make decisions, rely on them to tell me what was good, what wasn’t, what I should do. This year, this was my project. Totally. I had input and help and hands held out to catch me, but I rose to the occasion and never looked back.

It’s still hard and it’s still a journey but at least I have more days where I feel like the competent, amazing woman so many seem to think I am. Monica shared with me that someone close to us both said they couldn’t understand how someone like me could have self-esteem issues. I’m talented, intelligent, gifted. And I thought, I like the sound of that. I’m also emotional and difficult and challenging but I’m also loyal and passionate and romantic. And I will no longer allow anyone to make me feel less because I am any of these things. It all comes together in this 5’5” package, stored in the few extra pounds that I’m learning to live with at my advanced age, and every single one of those things about me is what makes me the director I am, the writer I am and the person I am. Take one of those away and you have somebody else. And I’ve done that. I’m not somebody else anymore. I am Susan Lee. And that’s a force to be reckoned with.