Got myself in the mail today…

In the form of my personal banking ATM card that simply says Susan M. Lee. That’s it. Just my name. Wow, it’s amazing how much that little piece of plastic can mean.

And appropriately it arrived as I realized it’s been exactly a year since I told my ex I was through with us. Hard to believe.

It’s been a year of incredible joy and devastating sorrow. One of indescribable pleasure followed by crippling depression. One of undeniable accomplishment hand in hand with paralyzing loneliness.

Pardon me if this is redundant but it feels like a perfect time to really look back at what this year has brought. (in no particular order)

- this time last year, I was preparing to go into the 48 Hour Film Project, alternately breathless with anticipation and terrified of working on this project with him. He didn’t want me to do it and then decided to try to make it “our” project instead of mine. The final straw. I told him I was done the Tuesday before the film started. It was the hardest yet the easiest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. I’ve never been more clear about what I wanted than that night.

- this time last year, I was coming off of a series of very successful projects – USC One Act Playwriting Festival, where we were again the audience fav, the Slamdance staged reading (told it was one of the best in five years), and part way through the extension of “Lloyd’s Prayer”, the show that changed my life. Professionally, I could see the beginnings of the path in front of me.

- I discovered a whole new group of amazing, creative, inspiring friends who never realized I wasn’t the artist I wanted to be. They have guided me, chided me, held me when I fell, challenged me, encouraged me, cried with me, laughed with me, sang with me a whole lot, and loved me more than I have ever felt loved in my life. It started with my boys – Chairman, AJ and Peter – and grew to include the most incredible group of women I have ever had in my life – Monica, Patty Jean, Tracey, Anna B., Tiffany, Erin, Misha, Bibi, Amy the writer, Bonnie, and my very dearest Zadra and all the feisty, funny, gifted persons at the Ark. I rediscovered some close friends like Erik. I literally could not have gotten through this year without you all, particularly Z and CB, more recently including Monica and Patty Jean. Pardon me if I have forgotten someone. There are so many others from Koji’s and Bigfoot and Dalt’s and Universal that I cannot possibly list you all here. And my older, darling friends whose lives have changed so much yet we still hang on – Barbara and Kim. My heart is so full with all of you.

- I discovered I am a writer. This blog and the Wraith has given me a voice and a life I never knew I could have. I have become stronger, both as a person and as an artist through this expression.

- I have two tattoos that mean the world to me and I am grateful for every day.

- The fondest memories of a very joy-filled, silly, exhausting trip to Vegas. Recap – much margaritas, legless karaoke, screaming like a girl, laughing until my face hurt, the lonely un-scored Marine, naked vampires. Thank you, CB, for everything that weekend.

- Lost a few friends along the way who still try to be supportive but look at me like I’ve grown two heads. That’s a very hard thing to deal with. I am still me, however, more me than I have ever felt and I think it’s hard for some to accept that.

- Truly lost a friend recently who was a dear, sweet soul who always made me feel special and sweet. We were not close but I miss his spirit. May he bring his gifts and heart to heaven to share with those there. Alan, you are missed.

- Heartbreaking falling out with one who I thought was going to be so important and who turned out not to be.

- Almost a year with an incredible, goofy, funny, complicated roomie who I was so glad to have and to count as a friend. Yeah, and her little dogs, too.

- Embraced that I am a director. That’s what started this whole thing.

- Discovered that depression can be overcome and can be dealt with, maybe not all the time but more often than not, at least in my case. A combination of finding myself, accepting myself and the magic soy pills have decreased the episodes of sobbing on the kitchen floor events substantially.

- Leaving what I thought was going to be the greatest love and the only love of my life behind. Sadly, I haven’t really missed him. We were so hurt by the end that I couldn’t begin to miss him.

- Discovering my voice literally and figuratively. Who knew karaoke could be good therapy?

- Learned to trust myself, at least creatively. Still working on the other parts.

- My mother calling me an “artist” without rolling her eyes. Twice.

- My father. That’s all I can say about him. He is my heart. My mother is my soul.

- The on-going journey of discovery that my relationship with my sister is.

- Making “Cinderella Drives A Pick-Up”, which was so much more than a film. It was a transforming event in my life, the way “Lloyd’s” was last year. And, coincidentally, I unpacked the “Lloyd’s” prop box while preparing for the pick-up shoot day for Cinderella. Found my favorite props from my favorite show – Bob’s water dish, Porpy’s nose, and a handful of others you’ll find scattered around my new apartment.

- Oh, yeah, my new apartment. Words cannot describe what this means. Even if it’s only for four months, it will change my life.

- New-found support and guidance from Paul at the Ark. A pleasant and flattering discovery.

- Discovering that it is possible to love again. And now just trying to figure out how.

Just some of the things that came to mind immediately. I’m sure I’ll find others. Just know that I am grateful and blessed to have the life I have, even if sometimes I forget that part. I have days where I am so overwhelmed by the life God has given me now that I almost cannot contain myself. So if you see tears in my eyes over the next week or so, know that they are tears of joy and wonder, gratitude for those special ones near and dear to me, and not tears of sorrow. I’m hoping that those are dormant, at least for a while.