Brain working overtime

My brain seems to be doing math problems or something. I can feel it churning away at something and feel like I’m on the verge of figuring out the universe.

Or I need some sleep.

Moving seems to have triggered a whole series of connections in my head that are teetering like dominoes, waiting for one of them to fall. I just hope that when they do, they’ll make one of those cool patterns that, when you look at it from above, you go, oh, that’s what it’s supposed to be. I feel like that’s where I am. My life is a series of dominoes that are set up and ready to topple. They’ll go one of two ways – cool, neato pattern or complete chaos and disaster. I think the cool pattern will win out because I feel like I’ve been doing a lot of introspective work on myself the last month and feel like I’m lining things up to move forward.

I’m ready to stop saying, “wow, it’s been a year” and “when WE were together” and wondering when I’m going to stop thinking about how things were with him. I saw him this weekend and, kinda sadly, he barely registered on my radar. I know I was so done with him so long ago and now it’s just cleaning up the pieces and putting them away.

Moving has been freeing and disturbing and emotional and revealing. I found so many things hidden away that made me remember the really good times – and there were many – and the really bad times. Things that made me even more convinced that this is exactly the right thing, no matter how hard or lonely or uncertain it is. I threw out things that made me feel good and made me feel vindicated. I threw out my old life.

In about a week, it will be a year since I told him we were through. It’s been an incredible year. Sometimes, I didn’t think I would live through it. Sometimes, I thought I had made the biggest mistake of my life. Sometimes, I thought I had found someone to share this new life with and, sometimes, I’ve thought I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. It’s been a rollercoaster, it’s been an E-ticket ride, it’s been… indescribable.

What has kept me going and kept me alive and kept me knowing I was doing the right thing is this incredibly creative group of people who have embraced me. I have accomplished the most amazing things this year that would not be possible without my bestest friend, Z, and my bestest cheerleader, CB. Without the two of them, I would not be here.

The last week or so has really made me appreciate this change in my life. Chairman and I went to see Vertigo Road at Molly Malone’s. Very talented duo on the Cinderella soundtrack. I sat listening to their exquisite harmonies, my dearest Chairman nearby, and all I could think of was how incredibly blessed I am to be surrounded by these talented people. Then he and I were at Taix later in the week seeing another band from the soundtrack, Alison Pipitone, and joined Z and her gaggle of musician friends, including Kim from Vertigo Road. They all embrace me and make me feel so welcome and so much that I belong with them. Then hanging out with the usual suspects at Koji’s is just icing on the cake.

And the recent blues have been only that – blues. The heart-rending depression seems to have receded for the time being, leaving me to look at my soul and ponder it rather than attack and it and try to make it surrender. My therapist had recommended “curling up” with my questions and my ponderances like I curl up with Twyla – gently, calmly – and ask softly, “why do I feel like this”, instead of shouting at myself – ‘WHY DO I FEEL LIKE THIS?” The curling up seems to be working.

I feel like this anniversary of sorts that is coming up is the turning point, maybe the point where I can truly push the former life away and really, truly embrace this new life. Until I can do that, I will remain stranded in that weird limbo that some people never get out of. Until I can put him in some perspective and put him firmly behind me, I cannot expect to draw my OOMA or any OOMA to me. Until I embrace myself with the gentleness and the care that I am trying to find right now, I cannot embrace someone else with that care.

So I’m going to crawl into bed, let the mind work away at its Rubick’s cube, and hope to find at least one side of it complete upon waking. Then we can work on the other three.