Why can't we just say it?

What is it about us that makes us unable to actually tell people how we feel about them?

In lengthy conversations with my roommate, I keep hearing both of us saying variations on the fact that we don’t feel that we can actually tell someone how we feel about them romantically. There are a myriad of reasons why and it always ends up that there is something that stops us from saying what we feel.
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Why is that? I know that, in my own recent experience, the thing that I keep telling myself is, “I’m not ready for a relationship right now” or “I just don’t want to really get involved yet, I’m just getting out of a 16 year relationship.” And, you know what, that’s bullshit. It comes down to this – I think we’re all afraid to say that we love someone in the fear that they’re not going to love us back. It’s that simple. If I go up to a particular person who I want to tell how much I care about them and they don’t respond in the same way, I’ll be crushed. No matter how much I may say I can handle anything they might say, no matter how much I claim to subscribe to Zadra’s theory that to love anyone without expectation is great, I want something back.

If I’m going to hang myself out there and say, “I think I might be in love with you” or “I think I’m developing these feelings for you,” I definitely want something back. I spent 16 years – or at least the last few years – holding back my emotions, holding back my feelings, holding back so many things because there was nothing coming back to me. I don’t want to put myself out there again and throw myself open only to have that throw deflected and tossed aside.

It’s easier for us to say, “Oh, I’m not ready, I can’t say it yet, there’s too many things we don’t have in common” and totally avoid having to place our hearts out in the open.

Why can’t we be like children and just say what’s on our mind and even feel free to express our disappointment that someone doesn’t share that feeling we have. It doesn’t mean we’re going to love that person any less. In fact, it may help to know exactly how that other person feels rather than drag on, waiting, wanting, not knowing, guessing. If we could be like children and just go up, hit the guy on the arm and say, “I love you,” and wait for them to hit us back, it’d be so much easier. Okay, so we’d all be bruised a little more but better a bruise on the arm than looking back and going, “Why didn’t I hit him on the arm that night?” and agonizing over whether or not that was “the moment” and that we missed it.

Does that mean I’m going to change my ways? Probably not. I’m not going to go up and start punching arms, although that might be fun. But I do think I need to start investigating whether the feelings that crop up are real or just imagined loneliness rearing its ugly head. Because I would like to get to the arm punching stage eventually. In the meantime, I’ll just adore from a distance and hope that the other person has developed arm-punching telepathy.