A love letter to the Koji's crowd

I had a small epiphany tonight – an epiphanette, if you will.

First of all, had a lovely evening full of good music (Vertigo Road’s holiday cheer and Adam Marsland & His Chaos Band), good food (yummy salmon), great company (the ever entertaining Chairman), topped off by karaoke at Koji’s.

What I realized while sitting at Koji’s tonight is that I am spoiled. I am spoiled by the friends I have in my life right now. And I know sometimes it seems like I forget I have friends like this in my life. But I think it’s because I have friends like this that makes the days or nights without them almost intolerable.

Walking into Koji’s is like walking into a warm hug. I know, corny, cheesy, and all that, but it is. It’s actually a row of hugs that go around. Rick, Erin, all the regulars. And as I sat there tonight, I felt so safe and protected. I was surrounded by some of my favorite men, first of all. Peter seated in front of me, Chairman beside me and Mikee behind me. I knew no one could hurt me, surrounded by these men. Then there are the others scattered around – Damien and Rick in particular – that are quickly becoming part of that sentry. And the absent ones who come by as they can. There are the fabulous women of Koji’s, led by the indomitable Erin and followed by Gretchen and Kristen. Then there are those I don’t know very well but I am always delighted to see when I arrive. They also greet with hugs and warmth.

Okay, to the epiphanette. My heart has taken quite a beating over my lifetime. I tend to give it away too freely, too often and, as we all do, sometimes to the wrong people. My heart has been beaten up a bit lately, with the end of my marriage and some recent falling out with a few friends. It has been easy to focus on that, the pain, the hurt that my heart feels for having given itself away and not gotten anything back in return. I’ve let myself dwell on that and then allowed that hurt, angry, depressed sorrow creep into all other aspects of my life.

But tonight, I think I really realized that the percentage of my heart that has been given away and not given back is miniscule. And there will always be bits and pieces that are given away and not appreciated. That’s to be expected. But I’ve allowed these people who have not taken this gift to somehow make me feel unworthy of their love, undeserving of their affection, undesirable to be around. I’ve let them convince me that I do not deserve to be loved.

But looking around me tonight, I realized so clearly how much love I have in my life. I realized how much of my heart I have given to these people, especially my dear “guys” who have not only been there for me so much through these troubled times, but never cease to show me how much they care without my asking. The things these men have done for me are both large and small, things you’d notice or maybe not. There are so many precious and sweet moments that I will always treasure with these people that I cannot even begin to count them.

And I look at how much of my heart I am given back by the Koji folks on a regular basis, whether it’s there or on Myspace or at the Ark, since many of them are members there. I’m beginning to realize that reaching out to them is okay because they are going to be there to grasp my flailing hand and guide me to where I need to go. They are teaching me about joy and pleasure and appreciation. They are showing me that love comes in many forms and it’s always okay to love. It’s worth it to lose some small pieces of my heart in order to find the big pieces that are special.

And I think that’s why I feel so lonely and so empty when I have long stretches of time where I don’t get to see these people, either individually or as a group. They so fulfill me and so delight me that I feel kind of empty when I’m sitting at home alone. The joy and affection I feel with these people is so large and so encompassing that I want to have it all the time. And I have a hard time realizing that I cannot.

So I am beginning to learn to take that feeling of love, joy and appreciation and find a way to hold on to that in the days inbetween Bigfoot (secondary karaoke joint) and Koji’s and Ark opening nights and any other excuse I can find to hang out with these people. Take that feeling and let it fill the silent moments, the empty, dark days when they come, the impossibly lonely nights. Take that feeling and try to find it within myself and give a little piece of my heart to myself so that maybe someday I can have that joy, that love, that appreciation for myself within and not have to seek it without. Although it’s nice to know it’s there, waiting for me when I need it.