Whether on a tour tram or in a relationship, there are safety rules that should be established and adhered to throughout. Otherwise, appendages and body parts are lost, both internal and external.
As I think about my life now and my former life, I realize how much safety and that feeling of safety comes into play. And it has nothing to do with my roommate showing up in my doorway one night, brown paper bag in her hand, asking if I wanted/needed the condoms held therein. I was startled, then kind of flattered that she thought I might eventually have need for them, but turned the gift down. She politely informed me where they would be, should I find myself in need of them.
In a way, that’s what I’m talking about. How the people in my life make me feel safe and protected so that I can take chances. Although I’m not sure I’m ready for the kind of chance that would require a condom but at least I know that they’re there if I need them.
What that does for me is allow me to be vulnerable. I don’t like to be vulnerable. I like to keep myself protected. I think that’s because, through the last few years of our relationship, my ex and I forgot about the safety rules. We didn’t notice arms sticking outside of the tram or legs protruding from beneath the safety rails. We were both too busy counting our own appendages and ensuring that all of our personal items were safely within our reach. And when the tram stopped, we both got off, our own stuff in tow, but we forgot to check behind and see what we left there. Maybe if we had, we would have found the trust and the comfort and the safety behind the rails and maybe we could have gotten back on that tram instead of getting stuck in Prop Plaza (sorry, deeply inside Universal tour guide reference). It means getting stuck where you don’t want to be.
I stopped feeling safe with him. I stopped counting on him to catch me if I fell because he dropped me one too many times. I’m sure I did the same. So many times, we don’t realize that we’ve lost our grip on the one we love until it’s far too late to do anything about it. We should have reviewed the safety rules more often, just to make sure that the injuries were at least reduced, if not eliminated. Maybe we should have posted one of those OSHA signs – 180 injury-free days – just to keep track. Every time that sign went back to 0, we’d have known there was something wrong on one side or the other.
I’ve discovered the feeling of safety again, ironically, since I have been on my own. For one thing, I have to trust in myself now and not look to someone else to see my reflection. That means I have to review my own safety rules with myself consistently, to make sure I don’t lose an arm or a leg to someone who just boarded the tram and doesn’t know the rules yet. Even to protect myself from those who have been on a the tram for a little while but maybe weren’t listening when the rules were read. And maybe to protect myself from those who have been on the tram for a long time and maybe need to be reminded of the safety rules.
But I think most of the people in my life who are on my tram instinctively know the safety rules, they don’t have to be read to them. I find myself hanging off the side of the tram (might as well continue the analogy as long as we have established it) and there are always at least two sets of hands hanging on to the back of my shirt to make sure I don’t fall into Jaws lake.
What are those safety rules? I’m not even sure. But I’ll take a guess.
1. Keep your arms wrapped firmly around me and your legs ready to run to my side when I need you.
2. In case of emergency (or emotional breakdown), pull me close and hold me tight. Make sure that my emotions come to a complete stop before exiting the tram.
3. Don’t throw your trash over the side of the tram – or at me. I can handle some crap, as I expect you to handle some of my crap. But don’t leave that crap behind for me to clean up.
4. Do not feed the egos. If we can keep egos out of the way, so many things could be solved.
5. Please do not leave your inner child unattended – especially during an important argument, discussion or complete emotional breakdown. There is a time and place for that child to be released. Know those moments.
6. Yes, you will get wet if it rains. That means there will be times when it’s not pleasant to be on the tram with me but if we pull down the rainguards, maybe we can ride it out and go get hot chocolate.
7. Tip your tour guide. Sometimes it can be a tangible tip. Sometimes it can be the intangible. Try an unexpected compliment. Try just wrapping your arms around me and tell me I’m beautiful. Try kissing the side of my neck when I’m not expecting it. You might get tipped in return.
Some of these rules apply to friends (maybe not the neck-kissing part), some apply to potential romance. But all mean the same thing – make me feel safe. Make me feel protected. Make me feel like those hands will be there when I reach out for them. And I will make sure I remember the safety rules when you need them. So we can enjoy the tour together and get off the tram, unharmed, arms and legs intact, and maybe with all of our personal belongings in tow.
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