It’s a night for bad free verse poetry, the likes of which I will not subject you to, dear readers.
I’m nervous. Quasi-big meeting tomorrow about a deeply personal project which I love, needless to say. It’s with the board of directors at my theater company to decide whether or not to support shooting this film. I think that most of the board like the script, like me, and want to do it. But nothing is 100% until after tomorrow and whatever time they need to take to decide.
Meanwhile, my usual demons are up and tap-dancing in my head. They’re running slide shows of all the mistakes I’ve made in the past, the failures and the disappointments in projects both recent and long ago. Certain negative things that have been pointed out – both real and imagined – by those who supposedly cared about me. It’s like “Defending Your Life” only I’m not dead yet.
It’s also the first time I’m going into something like this alone. I mean, I know I have support and those who have read the script and my good friends have all been very enthusiastic and encouraging. But I’m the one getting up there tomorrow. I have no hand to hold. I have no one there to push me forward and tell me it’s okay, I’ll be great. Again, I know the support is there from friends, etc., but I’m scared.
Scared of being discovered that I really don’t know what I’m doing. Scared of all my short-comings being brought up and trotted out for examination. Scared of taking on this project and whether or not I can handle it. Scared of being proven that I’m a fraud.
Most of all, I’m scared of doing this alone. I know that’s what I wanted but, right now, I’d give anything to have someone with me here tonight, to just hold me, to just tell me good things. To remind me of the good things I’ve accomplished and tell me how proud they are of me. I know I shouldn’t need that. I should know what I’ve accomplished and how I feel about the work I do. But sometimes, nothing helps more than to just feel the arms of someone who loves you wrapped around you while you fret and worry and stress and are consumed with doubt and fear.
But I left those arms behind in June, for the very reason that they didn’t give me comfort anymore. They didn’t make me feel confident and supported and secure about myself, my talent, my ability. They stopped embracing me and started smothering me and holding me down. They pulled me away from what I wanted instead of holding me up to the possibilities.
So the best I can ask right now is for positive thoughts being sent towards the Ark Theatre at around 12:30 today as I hold my breath and dive into this new adventure, alone but supported, frightened but hopefully not too terrified, nervous but strong. Stay tuned…
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