I had been looking toward the holidays with trepidation and caution. Everything that happens for the next year will probably have that sense of newness and weirdness, until I get used to my life.
But as I tiptoe into Christmas, I am starting to really look forward to figuring out what the holidays will be for me.
There were so many things that we had done every year, as happens in a marriage. Christmas lights to look at, presents to buy, tree to decorate. It all got to be very safe, repetitive, predictable, as things do in 16 years. And that wasn’t bad. It was soothing, I think, to know that every year, there would be the trip to Fresno, either before or after Christmas, visit Christmas Tree Lane there, hang out with friends to some extent before and during the holidays, all sorts of Christmas festivities.
This year, though, it’s finding my own traditions. I don’t know what those will be yet. And I may not figure it out this year. There are some thing we did that I want to continue to do – find some wonderful neighborhood full of garishly overdone lights (one in Woodland Hills comes immediately to mind) and stroll down it instead of drive; figure out where the “Scary Bunny Christmas” house is in Beverly Hills, the one that recycles last year’s Rose Bowl floats into creepy, strange yet wonderful tableaus on the front lawn; finding the perfect Christmas tree (which probably won’t happen this year due to funding issues). And, of course, Christmas Eve at Dean and Rick’s, waiting for the cheesy, funny, wonderful caroling truck that circles their neighborhood like the evil ice cream truck that circles my neighborhood.
This year, partially due to funding issues, most friends will be receiving handmade gifts, which is a tradition I would like to continue. Each gift is made with love and made specifically for that person. I love making things, as most of you know, and I love giving those things away. And I think, hopefully, they are received with affection and appreciation.
I was a little worried about feeling alone during the holidays, as the transition in my life has left many old friends behind. People who I usually expect to see and participate in the holidays with aren’t necessarily there this year for me. I think that’s what I will miss the most this year, those people who I love and have pretty much lost because loyalties cannot always be divided and the best of intentions cannot always overcome the required choosing of sides. But I will think of them with love and hope that their holidays are warm and wonderful.
New friends have, however, more than filled any void I may have felt. I know I won’t be alone Christmas day, thanks to offers from two very good friends, one old, one new. Christmas morning will be hard, waking up alone, no Christmas Eve “okay, I’ll only open one present” ceremony, no one to share that morning with. But there will be much merriment to look forward to later in the day so I think that will carry me through the morning and into the day.
I will think of my friends who are not here this year, home with their families scattered in Atlanta and Virginia and Cincinnati and places beyond. Pieces of my heart scattered away, which I will be glad when they return home to me.
And I will think of him, as I do quite a bit right now, as I sort through the mysteries of my life. I will miss him, although I will not miss the drama that always surrounded the holidays for us. I won’t miss trying to find the exact perfect present for each person in his family without any direction as to what that perfect present might be. I won’t miss Fresno, which sounds harsh and awful, but no matter how much everyone tried to make it lovely, it was always hard and difficult. I will miss decorating the tree to The Monkees (don’t ask), I will miss waking up with him and opening presents. My heart breaks as I think about it now and as I think about what he will go through on Christmas day. I wish I could make it easier for him, to help him understand why this is better for both of us. But all I can do is pray he will find comfort in his friends and family as I find with mine,
So, as the year comes to a close, and as I move deeper into my self-examination and self-discovery, I find myself beginning to let go of each lingering memory of a life gone by, some with difficulty, some with wanton abandon. And I look around and am grateful for a huge list of things and people. And I know I go on ad nauseum sometimes but without these people in my life, I would have no life. Zadra, for her beauty and her humor and her ability for analyzing my life better than I can. Tiffany, for her openness, her craziness, her depth of feeling and her enthusiasm for all the things in her life. Peter, for his soul, his spirit, his smile and his ever-expressive eyes. Erik, for checking in on me, for sharing his transitions and feelings, and for his humor. Shelley, yet another beauty, both of face and soul, for her sharing of stories and sharing of heart. Tracey, for being my right hand and my partner in crime at the Ark. A.J., for his unique view on life, his wisdom and his depth. Erin, Mikee, and Damian and the whole Koji’s gang for sharing their freedom and their joy and making me sing. The Ark Theatre and all those involved, especially Paul W., for helping me find my creative, authentic self and encouraging the hell of it. And, of course, Chairman, for so many things I cannot even begin to express or explain, for proving to me what a friend truly is, for sharing with me his heart and his soul.
As for my old friends, I hope to rediscover those of you who I have not seen through this transition and reacquaint myself with you to share some of the joy of discovery and newfound passions in my life. I haven't forgotten you, just maybe lost track of you for a while.
And I am grateful to you, dear readers, for putting up with this blog, for reading it more than I thought anyone would, for responding to my words and my pain and my joy, for making me feel warm and loved and supported. This blog has gotten me through some tough nights and some dark days. And I’m glad I had you all to share it with.
So, although I am sure you will hear more from me before we all get knee deep in Santa time, let me wish you all the joy, the love and the peace that this season should bring. Enjoy those around you, be grateful for them and make sure they know how much you love them. That’s the best gift you can give, May God bless you and yours now and throughout the new year.
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