Recovering from limbo

I have been in limbo for a long time now. It’s been very frustrating. I’ve wanted to blog but found myself not blogging because I felt like I’ve said this all before.

Lately, I’ve felt like I was in exactly the same place I was last year at this time. Yeah, I know, two shorts films, one feature, a handful of plays in the last year. Yeah, whatever. Creatively, I cannot and have not complained. My creative output has exceeded my expectations, although it has been growing exponentially over the past five years so it’s not really a surprise that this year continued that trend.

No, what I really feel is that personally I have been in limbo. I’m still alone. I’m still terribly broke and just quit the job that was supposed to fix that. I still haven’t done anything more with my jewelry/notebooks as I have kept promising myself I would. I’m still trying to sort out my feelings about my ex. My complex indefinable relationship continues to be complex and indefinable. Essentially, I have changed where I live but not necessarily how.

I had set deadlines for “Cinderella” and the rewrite on “Live at Five” that I haven’t met. I’m very bad about finishing things (typical Aries) and it’s always a struggle to get to the end of something. But I have to finish both of these projects. However, with “Cinderella”, I am a victim of scheduling and have been waiting for one of the actresses to be freed up, which I think she is shortly.

Anyway, just have felt like I’m standing in place, flipping back through the scrapbook of my life over the last year, and I’m still on page one.

It’s been frustrating, infuriating and crippling. Feeling like I’m not moving forward makes me not want to move at all. And seeing others moving forward – in careers, in relationships, in their lives – makes me feel even more that my feet are nailed to the ground and I cannot move them.

My father’s illness over the past few weeks has been a contributing factor to this lack of movement as I had a couple of weeks where he was the only thing I could think of and I couldn’t edit or write because my head was so full of him and my mother. I am definitely not complaining about this, as this is what family is. But it added to an already aggravating situation.

I realize that part of this limbo is just my brain sorting through my life. Bonnie commented the other night that, numerologically (?), I am in Year Two, which is the “emotional year.” Really? I’m stunned. Not. And I think the hang up these past few weeks or the past month has been my head beginning to really, truly deal with the impact of my choices in the last year. I chose to leave my marriage, maybe not really realizing how alone that would leave me. But the other choice was to stay in an unhealthy and unhappy relationship and maybe not stop at counting the pills next time. I chose to not take advantage of a few (very few) romantic possibilities in the past year, including the potential to pursue something with the indefinable relationship, because I didn’t feel ready to hand someone my heart, although I wanted to very much. I chose to keep myself isolated occasionally because I’ve needed to, although I hate it. I chose to keep myself to myself and maybe not address some of the issues that are now rearing their ugly heads. I chose to stop therapy, partially because I can’t afford it right now and partially because I felt like I needed some time to kind of try out what I had learned so far. I think I will return but it will probably be a while from now.

Now, there are new choices in front of me and I think they’re finally becoming clearer choices, choices I can voice and I can identify and I can do something about. Until now, they’ve been kind of fuzzy and non-specific, making it hard to say, I’ll do this with this, because there was no “this” there. I think all the internal churning my head has been doing lately is finally coming to an end, at least for now.

I’ve had a lot of breakdowns in the last few weeks, some to do with my father and my mother and knowing that his time is so very precious at this point. My mother and I have been talking about this lately and it’s heartbreaking. We’ve always known he wouldn’t be around forever but he’s so damned stubborn and persistent that it’s hard when the reality of it is staring us in the face. But Mom and I have been dealing with it as best we can, keeping our games faces on around him, but I’ve seen Mom’s game face breaking more easily recently and I’m not sure I can stand that. But I will, because I have to.

I’ve had some breakdowns as my heart continues to break over the end of my marriage. Each little breakdown brings me closer to letting that hurt go. But I have to find that hurt and acknowledge it first before I can process it and let it go. I’ve done some of the processing but lately I think I’ve gotten to the hurt that has lived deep down inside that I haven’t really shown to anyone, not even Zadra. I don’t know that I can even show it to anyone. It’s something no one can help me with because it’s so deep. And it’s been coming out in bits and pieces lately, leaving behind a sense of release and relief that is necessary. Not blame, not “he did this and I felt that.” Just pain, just hurt, just sorrow. Pure. Simple. Pain that does not know blame, hurt that has no identity, sorrow that is just that. In a way, it is almost beautiful, the purity of those emotions.

It’s scary to let those emotions out because I’m always afraid I won’t be able to get them back under control. But they have gone out and left me ragged and breathless but not out of control. And as I learn that I can let them go, maybe the fear of that release will diminish and I can embrace that experience for what it is instead of hiding from it.

And it makes me see that part of the reason that this relationship is indefinable is that I have been afraid to define it. Yeah, sure, he’s not helping the situation, but until I can put my finger on what I want this relationship to be and feel secure enough to make that stand, make that choice, make that clear, then it will be indefinable. But the other thing I have really grown to appreciate and treasure and what keeps me in this indefinable relationship is that he is so special to me and gives me so much without trying, without asking, without effort, that I know I cannot live my life without him in it in some way. Whatever way that is will eventually need to be defined, because it’s too difficult standing there, unsure about so many things. But the one thing I am sure of – he is one of the biggest blessings in my life and wherever our relationship goes and whatever shape it takes, my life is so much richer for having him in it, in a way that my female friends cannot enrich my life. He is special, he is beloved and I am so glad he’s here, as much as he makes me crazy. I wouldn’t give up a day, an hour, a moment that I have spent with him.

Suddenly, in the past few days, I have felt my feet take the tiniest slide forward, beginning to try to fight their way out of the muck. I’m not there yet and I’m still up to my hips in quicksand, but at least now I feel like there is a rope there that my hands can reach and there is hope that movement will come soon – slowly, painfully, with difficulty – but it will happen. I just need to be strong enough to grip the rope and hang on, and pull myself out of the quagmire by sheer force of will. And I’m glad to know that you’re all on the other end of that rope.

My thanks are there this week for rehearsal on “The Importance of Being Earnest” lab I am working on, “Snakes” on a mutha-fucking plane (twice, I might add), really meeting Christy, “Reunion”, and every moment spent with my girls and Chairman. Through all of this, I know I am truly blessed.