Dreams of the ex and Barbara Bush

I don’t know if it was dreaming about my ex-husband last night or what, but I awoke this morning realizing one of the things that was making me feel so out of sorts and odd lately.

I have no milestones in my life. Okay, so there are professional deadlines and projects that are coming up but, personally, no milestones ahead to plan with someone, no vacations to obsess over, no events to discuss and work towards.

I guess it’s part of missing being a couple but it makes me feel kind of adrift and aimless. I guess that’s why I look forward to things that friends like Chairman plan – Dodger game on Tuesday, the three of us going to Comicon, things like that. It gives me something to look forward to, to plan with others, to be a part of.

I think, too, I am ready to move past this “permanently transient” nature that has been my life for this past year. The apartment I’m in, which I love, I may lose in a month or so, when the woman I am subletting from decides if she’s coming back from Europe or not, if she’s staying in LA, if we’re going to be roommates, etc. I can’t even plan my life past September at this point until I know what she’s doing.

My jobs also contribute to that transient nature. The work for the actress is going to have to come to an end soon. While I adore her, the job makes me crazy. Too boring, too simple, makes me brain-dead and with over an hour drive to get there, it doesn’t make sense. I’ll probably continue with the transcription for the forensic psychiatrist because it’s steady but even that is wearing thin on me.

I am planning for my birthday in April, because it’s my 45th and Zadra planted the idea on my birthday this year that I should do something big, like go to Mexico. I really love that idea so I’ve started preliminary scouting for that. Of course, because of the transient nature of my professional life, I’m not sure I can plan a date as of yet. But I don’t care if I have to go in June, I want to go. I’ve always wanted to go to Mexico but my ex always found a reason not to. I want to explore Mayan ruins and soak in the sun and just enjoy some place exotic. I am hoping to get some of my dearest friends to go with me so, folks, start saving your pennies. I’m looking into cheap places to stay and how to do this without staying at a resort and spending $5,000. I am open to suggestions.

I guess I need to learn how to plan things for myself to get excited about. I need to figure out what kinds of things excite me and find someone to go with me.

(Sidebar – I just realized my dream also had me running into Barbara (not Laura) Bush and Tipper Gore hanging out with people who had just seen a horror film like “The Crow” but rabid fans, like those at the Comicon. They were paying these kids to tell them what they thought. Weird. Wonder what that means in my deep subconscious?)
The dream about my ex left me feeling suffocated and restless, feeling trapped and repressed. Wow, big surprise. But it’s making me wonder how to move past this and get on with my life.

I think I’ve spent so much time in the past 16 years planning his life and our life that I never really learned how to plan mine. I know he’d disagree with this vehemently as I always had something professional going on. But it’s the personal side I’m struggling with now.

I don’t know how to plan a life for myself. I don’t know how to put things in front of me to look forward to. Even when I was single when I moved down here, I had such an extensive group of friends I worked with at Universal and we were all young and single so we all planned stuff together and had lots of things going on, so it was easy to always find something to do with someone. Now that we’re all older and have created lives for ourselves – either lives of our own or lives with someone else – there isn’t that 20-year-old enthusiasm for getting together as a group. There aren’t parties and group holidays and just hanging out like there was then. Another one of those things that changes so much as we grow, that we don’t find out about until we’re there.

I have to find a way to plan and focus this life I’ve started to create. While I usually love organized chaos, this is starting to wear thin and I need some consistency and some security in my life. I don’t know what shape that is going to take but I need to start focusing on that. I need to figure out how to build a life that I look forward to and that will give me some stability, without relying on someone else to create that security and that stability. I need to get my feet under me personally so I can continue to pursue what I want professionally.

I have laid down the seeds for the life I want and there are things I look forward to – the drum circles on Tuesday are so incredible and there are a bunch more in Griffith Park and at the Music Center that I can’t wait for, the plays at the Ark, finishing “Cinderella”, etc. – but now I need to build a foundation for those to live on.