I am a rock star...

Okay, so I just feel like one.

I’ve discovered that I can sing the hell out of Peggy Lee’s version of “Fever” at karaoke and it makes me feel like a million bucks when I do. I sang it last night and promptly brought down the house and inspired some very dirty dancing between Ric and some skinny-assed little girl. But, wow, it makes me feel so powerful, so amazing to sing that song. I love it. Zita, one of the girls who also is known to sing the hell out of things, came up to me after I sang and said that this is now my signature song. Forget the Madonna she has requested for me to sing so many times (which I don’t get because I think I suck at Madonna). She only wants to hear “Fever” now. I think it’s the fishnets that I’ve been wearing. I also sang “Wanted Dead Or Alive” and loved doing that one, too.


(some pics from last night, although none of me, really - Koji's 8/24/06.)


One of the biggest blessings of this year, as I’ve said, is literally finding my voice. I so love to sing. I seemed to have forgotten that somewhere along the line. I sang through school but had a teacher who did nothing but mock my vibrato, which can be out of control sometimes, instead of helping me learn how to control it or to find music that works with my throaty alto. Through the marvels of karaoke, the amazing support of my Koji’s family, I’m finding music I can actually sing well and that I enjoy singing. I never thought karaoke would be the biggest thing in my life but I know last week, as much as I loved going to “Snakes on a Plane,” I couldn’t help but be wistful for the tunes at Koji’s.

I also just got my Ipod back AGAIN after its seventh or eighth trip to the Ipod hospital. The repairs started in April, when it was just days from the warranty expiring, and, dammit, it has never been fixed to my satisfaction so I keep sending it back. Cross your fingers that it’s been healed. I miss it so much when it’s gone!

I feel kind of rock star-like in the tiny baby steps I am making with moving forward and stopping looking back in my life. My friend, Drew, said something interesting on the way home from rehearsal the other night. He was talking about how he was cultivating this very rich soil to create an English garden at his cabin in Georgia and that it was going to take ten years to get there. He said, “I tend to take the long view on things.” And I thought, that’s where my focus needs to be now. The long view. I think it’s starting. My creative life certainly has a long view – “Importance of Being Earnest” lab next week (second act only – the point is the actual moment-to-moment work for the actors, not the end performance), going into the workshop for “Gross Indecency – the Three Trials of Oscar Wilde” after that, directing a new play concurrently which will open for the holidays, then preparing to move into the mainstage version of “Gross Indecency” in the spring 2007. Interspersed in there will be at least one short film, probably a Channel 101 pilot with my frequent collaborator and partner-in-crime, Chairman, as well as developing a new feature film for the Ark for next spring. Nice stuff.

However, I also feel like I’m starting to take the long view on the rest of my life. Looking forward to going to Mexico in April (or somewhere thereafter) for my 45th birthday. My best friends will all hopefully be going with me. I want to crawl through ruins and listen to the ghosts of those who built them. I don’t care if I have to sleep on the beach. I’m beginning to plan things in the future with friends and not feeling so much like I’m just living from day to day. I’m thinking about doing something very special for one of my best friends whose birthday is a little way down the line but it’s going to take some time and some saving to do what I want to do. Then thinking about short trips to nearby film festivals, if either “Dark Guitar” or “Weight of the Word” gets accepted into them. A weekend here or there with, hopefully, some of my gang – Monica? Patty? Chairman? Zadra? – would be wonderful.

Although many things are up in the air – my income, where I’m going to live after October, what’s happening with my father – I’m beginning to feel much more like my feet are gaining ground (ironically, the new original play that the Ark Theater is doing next) and that I am not so off balance.

I am also beginning to really like myself. Maybe that sounds strange but I’ve spent the last year trying to figure out who I was and didn’t have time to see if I liked the person who was emerging. I am now finding that I do – very much. She is brave, ballsy, opinionated, maybe a little edgy, can be powerful, and, essentially, is growing into the rock star she wants to be. I like the way I feel when I stop thinking about how I should feel. Last night, I felt so in control, so strong, so incredible that I knew that I could conquer the world. I even think I got flirted with a bit by some of the boys, including the parking attendant at Hollywood and Highland, who I always seem to end up in his lane recently. He always gives me a smile and chats with me while I pay him but last night, he was particularly friendly. And, recently, several bartenders, including the one at Liquid Kitty after the Dodger Game, wouldn’t take money for my drink. Okay, so it was a Coke, but still.

I am finding that the more I embrace the rock star within, the more that the people I want to be are drawn to me. I am learning that I don’t need to push so hard to be someone that people want to be with. My very own unique energy is quite enough. I just have to trust that more and not question my core self.

I am also moving away from looking within so much and starting to look outside of myself. I guess it’s just natural to spend a certain amount of time gazing at one’s soul after making the kind of decision I did to leave my husband. There was much sorting out of inner crap to do. I think now that that inner crap has been sorted and labeled and is now waiting for the Salvation Army to pick up the boxes. Okay, so there are still a few things hidden in closets and stuffed under the bed that I’m sure will sneak up on me and release the circus clowns. But last night, I wasn’t worried about it. I was just me. And me is a pretty amazing person to be.

I am so grateful to those in my life who have led me here. You all have my heart. I hope I may do the same for you some day.