I am Woman, hear me roar!

I had a very empowering night tonight.

My short film, Weight of the Word, screened at the Nebraska Coast Connection, an intimate networking group I belong to and manage to get to about four times a year. They're a great bunch of entertainment industry professionals and theyre all at my level or just above, exactly the kind of people who are actually interested in helping out their fellow man (or woman). I have found a great deal of crew and help through the networking group and their support and encouragement of their members is incredible.

They screened six shorts tonight, including mine. All were quite good and that was a pleasure. And my amazing support group continued to be at my side - Chairman, Beth W., and Patty Jean. I'm still touched that the artists in my life that inspire and encourage me continue to be enthusiastic about the projects weve worked on and want to be a part of their growth and exposure. I'm very proud of this piece and I'm glad I share that pride with those who made it.

What was so interesting tonight, though, was that I was the only woman on the panel. Not a rarity in Hollywood. In fact, the actress I have been working with is on the board of directors for the Alliance of Women Directors, formed specifically to address and publicize this issue. I was also probably the oldest one on the panel as well. And to be sitting on a panel of six and be the only woman kind of intimidated me at first. I'm just starting to get used to being up in front of people again and speaking about something so it still daunts me a little bit to be in that kind of spotlight. And tonight was no different. I was shy about speaking up early on, except when I was asked to talk about WOTW specifically. Then it was easy because of the fact that I had three of my cast/crew in the audience and was able to share the pride I have in our work with them.

But as the panel went on and the discussion became much more about the details of filmmaking, I found myself being much more bold and answering questions because the guys seemed hesitant to jump in. A couple of the guys were students so I'm not sure how much they had to offer, but the other men are filmmakers and I was surprised at their hesitation in speaking.

I found myself enjoying this position of being able to share the knowledge I have gained over time and give some of that back to those who are just starting out. I felt so confident and proud of the work I have done. What was the capper, though, was someone in the audience asked if any of us had feature film aspersions and I had to smile. I'm past aspersions. I've made a feature. As each director answered that question, it was with the usual "yes, I want to make features and I have a script but..." And when I came to me, I was so proud of being the only woman on the panel and of being able to say, "I not only have aspersions, I have made a feature and I'm almost done with the edit and it's going to be out in the spring. And my collaborators are in the audience. And, oh, by the way, soundtracks are for sale."

I have been proud of this project since I started it. I am beginning to embrace the pride in myself for tackling this project and seeing it through. I have been struggling lately because life has gotten in the way and taken a bit of steam out of my sails in regards to finishing the edit. I had hoped to be done by now but am not. But to find myself sitting in a room full of my peers, being one of the few women who is in a creative role and in a role of authority and who is one of the only - if not THE only - female filmmaker in this entire networking group, I couldn't help but think about how special that is. In a town obsessed by youth - whether in front of or behind the camera - in a town dominated by men, in an industry where being a woman is such a detriment, I was the only one on the panel who had made a feature. And had a plan for the next two, depending on whether Cinderella gets me some notice or WOTW gets me some notice. I'm ready for either.

I took such pleasure in being able to express that plan and, suddenly, sitting there at CBS, I knew the answer to something that has plagued me constantly for the last year - did I make the right choice? Chairman said recently sometimes just making the choice makes it the right choice and I've tried to take that to heart and not obsess over the other options. But tonight, I know without a doubt that I made the right choice. I chose to live. I chose to live the way I wanted to. I chose to live in such a way that I could feed this artist that resides in me and that was shriveling up and dying. I chose to fill my life with the things that feed that artist and nurture that artist and help that artist grow. I chose to fill my life with the people who see me as that artist, who embrace that part of me and are proud of that part of me. I chose to accept and understand that, without that artist and her art, there is no me.

And I am proud of being a woman filmmaker who makes films that are not necessarily "female-centric". Okay, so ,Cinderella is but neither Dark Guitar nor WOTW would be considered that. I am proud that I can sit on a panel with these men and know that I belong up there, regardless of my sex. I am proud that my accomplishments exceed the expectation of my gender in this industry and that I can stand toe to toe with the men and know that I can play in their field.

My personal blog has caused many women my age to say that they find me an inspiration and that embarrasses me because I'm just living my life and dont think I'm worthy of inspiration just because I'm living. But after tonight, if just one woman who thinks she's an artist/director/actor/writer out there is inspired to take that step to find her artist, to unleash that artist on to the world and embrace the artist as she steps out into the real world and make that choice to not run away from that artist, then I would be glad to have motivated that inkling to change. Women don't always get the encouragement they need when they find that artist and I'm saying, go, find, do, be. In the long run, it is the right choice.