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I said last night I’m tired of changes, I just them to stop for a while and Chairman, in his indomitable wisdom, replied, “Good luck holding back that inevitable tide.”

And he’s right. You can’t. You just have to take a deep breath and hold on, hoping you’ll end up right side up when the tide crashes against the shore.

It appears that I am about to embark on a journey of immense and unknown challenges. My father’s continuing failing health is requiring me to make significant changes to my life to be available for both him and my mother, to make sure she doesn’t go crazy with the burden and to make sure she doesn’t make him go crazy while he struggles to hang on to his quality of life.

I won’t pretend I know what I’m in for. I won’t pretend that I’m going into this with confidence that it’s the right thing. I won’t pretend that I’m strong and powerful and can do all of this without any help. I won’t pretend because I’m scared to death.

In the next few weeks, I will probably take over helping my mother take care of my father. As of this afternoon, he’s still in the hospital, they still don’t know when he’s going to be out or even what’s wrong with him at this point. He’s depressed and ready to go home. Mom’s worn out and ready to have him home. And I think we’re all counting the days/weeks/months. There are details to look into such as insurance and in-home care and life insurance and so many other things I can’t even wrap my head around yet. But my mother is at the end of her endurance and anything I can do will be a help.

I gave my notice today for the actress that I work for, partly because it doesn’t pay enough anyway but also because I can’t do that and be of any help to my parents. And they need to be the priority right now. It was a hard decision as she’s a wonderful woman and easy to work for but it seems right.

So today, I guess I’m waxing up my board and waiting for the tide to take me out to sea, toss me around a bit more, and then see where my bruised and battered body will end up when the tide goes back out to sea.

Maybe this is why the relationship I wanted so badly hasn’t come to fruition, because this is a huge thing to ask someone to come along for the ride with me, especially someone maybe not entirely in touch with his emotional life. Doesn’t make me want it any less but makes me understand now that maybe this is what the universe had in mind.

And I know I wouldn’t be in this position if I were still married. I don’t know what I would be able to do in that situation.

My friend, Amy, wrote today about being Miss Piggy in “Muppets In Space”, where Piggy keeps getting hit, is punch-drunk and mumbling, “Is that all you got” more and more incoherently as she goes on. I am learning to not ask the universe that question because, no, that’s not all it’s got.

However, through the dark and the scary and the terrifying, the universe provides moments to remind you why you go through this. The Dodger game last night was such a moment.

First, I got a message from my new good friend, Anna B., just checking on me, seeing if I want, of course, food if I wasn’t going to the game. She was thinking of me after having read my recent blog and wanted to make sure I was okay. I was incredibly touched by her thoughtfulness.

Hanging out with most of my good friends – Chairman, Zadra, Monica, Patty, Tricia – and a few new stragglers – Rose, the always entertaining Al Underwood, Drew, et al. – was a few hours of peace and frivolity after several very hard days. Tricia, Zadra, Rose and I had the most amusing conversation about underwear, surrounding Chairman, who tolerated all the girliness. Monica and Patty made fish-faces at me from their seats and almost strangled me with love and affection when I made my way down to them towards the end of the game.

Then Rose, Chairman and I drove to Liquid Kitty to hear some really, really bad karaoke, watch Chairman try to avoid conversing with the very intoxicated Aaaah-driana, and consume $9 drinks (okay, I had Coke, so…).

Nothing exciting, nothing glamorous but exactly summed up by Rose as we walked to our cars between the game and Liquid Kitty – “I’m living the life I always thought I would live when I was a kid – stay up as late as I want, do whatever I want.” She thought sometimes maybe that wasn’t a good thing but last night, it definitely was. My heart felt a little later after I hugged my dearest Chairman goodnight and got into my car and headed home.

I know now, more than ever in my life, that no matter how hard this time coming up is going to be – and I cannot begin to imagine how hard it will be – no matter how black the days, there will be Chairman’s laugh and smile, smothering hugs from the best gals in the universe – Zadra, Monica, Patty, Tricia – food and text messages from Anna B., karaoke and support and love galore from all. Not such a bad place to be, after all.

I heard this song on the radio this morning as I was heading to Jennifer’s to give my notice and I thought how appropriate it was. It is a very lovely song and thought I’d post the lyrics, as they seem particularly insightful yet simple right now, for many other than myself.


Life Ain't Always Beautiful
Artist: Gary Allan
Album: Tough All Over

Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life ain't always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggle makes you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has it's own way of takin' it sweet time

[chorus]
No, life ain’t always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life ain’t always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life ain’t always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin' all these lonely miles

And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life don’t work that way

But the struggles makes me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has it's own way of takin' its sweet time

No, life ain’t always beautiful
But I know I'll be fine
Hey, life ain’t always beautiful
But its a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride