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SNAKES ON A MO-FO PLANE!

Wow. Bad. I mean, so bad I can’t wait to see it again and enjoy how bad it is. Bad. And it knows it’s bad. I lost count of the clichés within the first five minutes. And acting. Ha! Better acting on “So You Think You Can Dance”, with the exception of the ever-amazing Samuel L. Jackson. Proving that he is one of the greatest actors of all time because he can pull this shit off.

Wow. Did I say bad?

The best part of “Snakes on a Plane” was the field trip that went with it. Met Bonnie, Keith, Rose, Babs and, of course, the ever-charming Chairman, as well as a group of people I didn’t really get to talk to, at Barney’s Beanery in Santa Monica for pre-Snakes dinner and stuff. Bonnie analyzed my nine-year cycle of life (I’m currently on 2, for those of you who care) and I was stunned about how accurate it was. She’s incredible, this Bonnie. As is Rose. It’s funny. I’m finding all these amazing new girlfriends through a guy… Chairman. He has introduced me to the most incredible women whose company I am enjoying thoroughly. I’m not really sure what else we talked about during dinner but I enjoyed every minute of it.





Then came the moment we were all waiting for – hiking down to the theater for the movie. Can’t call it a film cuz it’s a movie. They actually played coming attractions. They actually played a couple of serious coming attractions. The audience was rowdy and ready for the 10 PM screening. Chairman started a chant of “snake, snake, snake” at the end of the coming attractions and then, jut when I didn’t think Bonnie was going to be able to wait one more second, the lights went out and – da-da-da – SNAKES ON A PLANE!

The key thing I kept finding myself saying/thinking thorugh this film was “of course it is.” “Hi, my name’s Tiffany,” says the busty, plastic stewardess (sorry, she’s not a flight attendant, she’s a stewardess and all the trashy innuendo that goes with that) and I think “of course it is.” “Hey, you have to reset the switch to turn on the air… and it’s in the cargo hold (of course it is)… in the back (of course it is)… and it’s dark (say it with me…).” And then play “let’s count the clichés”. I’d list them here but I think you’ll enjoy playing this game all on your own.

And dialog. Omigod. Wow. Bad. But we all held our collective breath, waiting for that infamous moment and we were not disappointed. Samuel L. J. is building into a fury and finally, finally takes a deep breath and we knew the moment was here. “It’s time to get these mother-f**king snakes off this mother-f**king plane.” Audience chanted with him. Audience lost their minds. It was worth the $10 just for that.

Okay, really, I want to make “Dominic and Eugene,” “Avalon,” “Three Kings.” But I would love to just embrace this genre – very B, very bad movie – and run with it. My guilty pleasures? “Tremors” and “Deep Rising.” B movies to the core. But they know that they are. They don’t pretend to be serious. They know you know that they’re winking at you. Okay, we know that you know that you can’t drive a Seadoo through a sinking luxury liner to outrun the gigantic squid sea monster thing chasing you but, hey, go along for the ride and we guarantee a laugh or two and maybe, just maybe, a squeal of fright as well. And I squealed in “Snakes.” I think Chairman may have gasped a time or two as well. Don’t know if he’d admit it but I thought I heard him.

Anyway, too much fun, over way too soon. May have to join Patty on Saturday to see this again just to see everyone’s reaction. Love it or hate it, “Snakes” has its own wickedly bad, funny, clever genius that I envy.