Taking notes from A.J.

I love AJ’s point of view on things because he always makes me think. He recently commented on my last blog about men, making me think about what I wrote and why.

The thing about AJ is that he is a very together man, has a gorgeous wife that attests to his togetherness. And his point is well-taken – not all men are walking wounded, not all men harbor deep, dark secrets that must be uncovered. It just seems that way, from the woman’s point of view.

I guess what women like Monica and I are seeking and why we spend so much time analyzing and figuring and projecting is because we are single. Simple as that. We are trying to figure out why we are single and why the men we are attracted to – and who seem very attracted to us – don’t seem to want to be a consistent part of our lives. I will give you, from their point of view, they probably think they are being very clear and upfront and honest and that they are giving us all that they are capable of.

The frustration comes from wanting and needing and desiring to be with someone but not knowing how to. If we move too fast or make the wrong move or say the wrong thing, we will drive away the one that we want in our lives.

See, we don’t know what we’re supposed to be either. Women like me were raised through the ‘70s and ‘80s, with Women’s Lib and the ERA and women truly coming into their own. It’s all Helen Reddy’s fault. I grew up a strong, self-sufficient woman, raised by an incredibly strong mother who brooked no shit from anyone. When bullies tried to break me down at school, my mother and my equally strong sister taught me the value of standing up for myself, facing down the bullies, and embracing my own self.

My own self, however, is indefinable. It is something that attracts men and alternately freaks them out. My own recent ex even said during our therapy once that he wondered what happened to that strong, secure woman he met 16 years ago. Yet, it seemed to me that he spent a good part of our relationship trying to bend that strong, secure woman into someone that needed him, that couldn’t stand on her own, that had to have his approval to do anything. And every time my self-assurance and confidence would come out, he’d find a way to beat it back inside.

And now I guess I’m afraid that that part of me, that strong, assured woman, may be a part of what is keeping me alone. I am woman and you have heard me roar. But in trying to keep myself together and keep myself strong, have I put out vibes and signals saying, stay away, keep back 20 feet, don’t even try to reach me because I’m not reachable? Strong is sometimes mistaken for arrogant. Strong sometimes covers up vulnerable too well. Strong sometimes can be intimidating.

With the OOMA, I wonder if there haven’t been times when he’s been ready to reach out to me but I have strong-armed him away. And maybe after so many of those strong-arm encounters, he stopped reaching out, content with just being nearby. Or maybe I am just imaging things because he seems to be what I want and yet he is what I am afraid of.

This whole thing is so complex. I don’t remember it being this complex 17 years ago when I met my ex. We liked each other immediately and as soon as I got rid of the asshole I was dating then, my ex and I went out on a date or two and then we were never apart after that. We didn’t really date, we jumped right in. Because it felt right. Because we both were ready.

Even my first husband was that way. I was dating a long term high school boyfriend when S and I met. I immediately was drawn to him and he to me but it was so close to the end of high school and I didn’t want to break my high school boyfriend’s heart. So I tried to stay with him until after graduation but only managed to make it to the week before. S and I just couldn’t wait to be with each other. Although apparently he had the same feeling for the woman he has now been married to for almost 20 years (unhappily from all accounts, I gloat).

I guess my point is I’m not sure how to do this. And I don’t think many women know how to do this. We’re also stuck between what is expected by society and what we see on “Sex and the City.” We’re told alternately to be aggressive then to be pouty. We’re told to embrace our own selves then are given advice in magazines to see how other women behave and do that. We see stupid girls roll around on beds, putting on live sex shows and see men respond to that and not respond to us and we’re confused even further. Yes, sure, AJ, tell me they’re watching a trainwreck. So that sends the message that, in order to get the attention of a single man, we have to be a trainwreck. And emotional trainwrecks don’t count.

I don’t want anything terribly complicated. I want to be held by someone who cares for me. I want to be kissed softly on the back of the neck. I want someone I care about to want to spend time with me. I want to be able to phone someone and say, hey, I missed you, I hope you had a good day, without them running for the hills. I want to make someone dinner and sit on the floor (or on their couch) and watch mindless TV and say nothing. I want to talk about everything and nothing and have it all mean something.

What I don’t want is a see you every day, text you 100 million times, leave stupid messages and comments on your Myspace (other than those I already leave for my friends), stupid nicknames, I would die without you kind of relationship. I’m too busy for that.

I just don’t want to be sitting home alone all weekend, trying to figure out what to do with myself. I don’t want to hang on to you and spend the entire weekend with you but dinner one night or a movie or a walk or an ice cream concoction would be lovely.

I’m a grown up and I guess I want a grown up relationship, although I am befuddled as to what that means. Maybe that’s where to start. I’m not 20 years old, I don’t have the same expectations as a 20-year-old and maybe that’s where the problem lies. We’re never taught how to change our expectations of a relationship past 20. In ancient times – like when my parents were young – life expectancy was not as long so and couples tended to stay in marriages so no one has given us an idea of what to do when we’re suddenly single and staring 45 in the face. No one has given us the tools to figure out how to be in a relationship that isn’t driven by rampant hormones and juvenile expectations of white picket fences and a house and children. We’re not taught how to start over at a time in our lives when most people are not supposed to be starting over.

Maybe that’s why it’s so hard. We’re new generations of people coming of age over 40. And there’s no one to mentor us and guide us. We are the generations that will set the tone for those coming after us. God help them.