This birthday has me extremely conflicted. I don’t know if it’s just that I’m finally processing some things about my life or if I’m facing new things about my life but I’m struggling to get through it and come out the other side.
One side of me feels like the woman so many of you see me as – strong, confident, radiant, talented, gifted, loving, caring, powerful. I get glimpses of this woman that supposedly exists and those glimpses are getting more and more common and easier to see sometimes. I can feel her inside of my heart, fighting to get a foothold in the real world instead of just existing within my soul. She is the one who gave me the courage to walk away from a marriage that was destroying me. She is the one who gave me the courage to get up and discover the joy of singing again. She is the one who, without hesitation, knew that moving in with my parents was absolutely essential and the only thing to do. She is who I aspire to be and am anxious to release on to the world. She is the one who wears the red Carlos Santana boots with pride and strength.
The other side of me, however, still holds on tight to my reality. It is the vestiges of the 43 years leading up to that moment almost two years ago when I took hold of my life. That side is the product of those 43 years and all the negativity that has been foisted upon me for all of those years. Now, that’s not a excuse, it’s an acknowledgement. I could have maybe found a way to push that negativity away and maybe I have, for the most part. But that negativity ate away at my soul and left me with huge, open, gaping wounds that have only begun to scab around the edges. That side is who I see most often in the mirror – weak, inferior, terrified, unfocused, unsuccessful, lazy, stupid, unlovable and unloved. That side haunts me at night and consumes me in the worst moments of my days. That is the side I am trying to cut out of my soul and lose forever. But two years versus 43 years is an unfair balance. I am hoping it won’t take me 43 years to find the other side of me.
This birthday is not what I wanted it to be. A.J. said some very profound things today at coffee about not letting things that we have no control over consume me. That I should not try to use comparisons or expectations as a bar of accomplishment. But then he also understood that one can’t help but do that.
The two sides of me battle over that. I can see what I have accomplished in less than two years, yet I can see the failures. I struggle with finishing the film because I’m terrified it’s not good, yet I know it’s good. I’m afraid that I’m a phony, that there is not talent there and no one has bothered to tell me, yet I know without a doubt I am a strong director. Two minds arguing constantly. No wonder the clowns have a field day up there.
The biggest thing about this birthday is that it is another one spent alone. Yes, I know I have amazing friends and many of them were around me tonight as the three day celebration began/continued. I realize how rich my life is because of these people. I would not be anywhere near where I am today without the people that I have listed endlessly in this blog. But that doesn’t help at times like this, when all I want in the world is the arms of someone who loves me to wrap me up and hold me tight. I wonder if giving up a relationship – no matter how horrible or empty or cruel it was – was worth this ache and pain and sorrow of being alone. I see so many friends in relationships that aren’t as full as I think a relationship should be but at least they have someone to hold them, be with them, and, yes, have sex with them. And I envy them that, even while I can see how their relationships are unfulfilling in other areas. What is the trade-off then? Settle for someone who doesn’t fulfill me but is kind of there and kind of what I want but not really but he’s there when I want someone and he’ll sleep with me and hold me, even if he doesn’t really turn out to be something worthwhile? It’s that the alternative to being alone?
And the one person who I thought would always be a friend and never, ever hurt me seems to have chosen to put a huge distance between us. I take a lot of that responsibility because I have broken the cardinal rule – I have been open and honest in a public forum about my feelings about him and that’s got to be unnerving for such a private person. I keep trying to find a way to tell him in person that I really don’t care about anything more than being his friend. Yes, something more would be great but if I have to choose between losing his friendship over this, I would choose to keep his friendship. He’s been so important to me and colors every frame of my life that I can’t imagine my life without him. But he seems to have chosen to step away, not completely, but enough that I can no longer consider him the close friend he once was. And that kills me more than anything. I have somehow contributed to driving him away and shattering this friendship. Yeah, I know he’s got some responsibility in this but I can’t seem to find the right way to fix this and make it better so I have to just stand by and let him go. And that’s one of the worst things I can think of because, when it comes down to it, I love him very much, as a drear, dear friend and an important part of my life. But my two sides cannot figure out what to do so nothing will be done. I miss you, I’m sorry, I hope you come back some time and we can start over again.
But there are those moments when I feel my destiny and see my future. When I’m running the meetings for the new film at the Ark and those five other faces are looking to me for answers, I know I have the answers they’re looking for. I am extremely confident in the script I am writing for my segment based on my Wraith blog, and the partnership with PRS is working out great on this script. I can say it’s probably the best thing I’ve written, with a great deal of that because of PRS’s input. I can see how good Cinderella could be, if I could get my shit together and finish it. And I see what I am doing for my parents, how important that this time is for us, particularly with what we’ve just gone through. time is counting down and every moment with my father is precious. I know, in so many ways, this is exactly where I am supposed to be right now, personally, professionally, everything.
So I hope to get through this birthday, put it behind me and find a way to let the soul self that is trapped right now run free and finally take me firmly on the path to the rest of my life. Maybe by 50. Maybe 60. I’ll let you know.
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