And God laughs...

So, I was feeling sorry for myself this birthday, as evidenced by my other blog that’s not on Myspace, and had coffee with the wondrous and wise A.J. yesterday. As I was lamenting things in my life that are not where I had hoped they would be, including living with my parents, A.J. said that I now have unlimited karma points just by moving in to take care of my parents and that I can be mean and nasty and ugly to anyone for the rest of my life and I’ll have the karma points to cover it.

As I drove away, all I could think was that A.J.’s karma theory was horribly flawed. If I had all these karma points built up, then why am I celebrating this milestone birthday alone and why do we have to postpone Mexico until later this year as I can’t afford to do it when we planned and why haven’t I accomplished what I want to do and why and why and why, ad nauseum.

My party last night was a huge disappointment for some very tangible reasons and for a lot of intangible reasons. Part of it was that the clowns in my head got loose for a while and were running amok earlier in the evening, making it hard for me to enjoy myself and there was a situation that pissed me off greatly but I chose to keep my mouth shut because otherwise there was going to be a very, very ugly scene.

So I woke up this morning, looking forward to going to Disneyland on Sunday with Patty and her friend, Brian, and Trina and whoever else. Then I went online to double check ticket prices while Mom and Dad took the change from my piggy bank (yes, I am 16 again) and cashed it in to cover my Disney ticket. I was figuring there had to be discounts, there always are, and it should be about $50, which I could just swing with enough left over to actually maybe eat something. Boy, was I wrong. Disney is $63. Doesn’t sound like much more than $50, but with gas at astronomical pricing (thanks, President Bush), cost for parking, the actual ticket and $6 sodas, there was no way I could go. Just couldn’t. I wept copiously. I was so looking forward to this. I thought back to A.J. and his karma theory and I thought, A.J.’s karma theory sucks. I called Patty and left her a message that I would not be joining her for the Mickey festivities.

I sulked all the way to the Ark Theatre tonight for the opening of Les Liaisons Dangerueses, not wanting to go but feeling obligated to be there. Chairman and Erik were there and Trina arrived later so it was a pleasant group and I kind of put my poutiness behind me. Then Trina mentioned Disneyland and I tried not to make too big a deal of it, saying I wasn’t going because I couldn’t afford it. I sulked to myself through the first act, being more and more pissed off at this birthday weekend that seemed to be sucking so very much.

The play was great, despite a few typical opening night technical glitches, and I hung around for the after-show reception. It is a great cast and I was enjoying hanging out with these talented people. But inevitably, Disneyland was brought up again. I tried to not sulk too much and brushed it off. I was chatting with Renae, talking about birthday stuff when I noticed by Erik’s watch that it was moments before my actual birthday. Renae sneaked off and got everyone to sing happy birthday to me right at midnight. That really touched me and began to pull me out of my sulkiness. It made me begin to acknowledge the wonderful people I have in my life and remind me of why I love working with this company of actors.

Then I overheard Chris M., composer and sound designer at the Ark, talking about how his car got towed just now and he needed to get a ride home. He lives fairly close to me so I offered, if he didn’t mind my very dirty, very messy car. As we talked, Renae joined us and she asked if I was excited about Disneyland. I told her I wasn’t going in not too pouty a way as I had accepted that I wasn’t going. She got this look on her face and ran off. I thought maybe she had a discount ticket or maybe, wonder of wonders, maybe she had a free ticket. This lovely woman, Renae, who I don’t know very well, who is an amazing addition to the Ark, comes back, a little grin on her face. She informs me that, since she had just come back from a free week in Disney World with her family, that I deserved to join my birthday twin, Patty Jean, at Disneyland, and she stuck a $50 bill in my hand. I tried to give it back but she would not hear of it. She pressed it into my hand and told me I deserved to enjoy my birthday. I burst into tears.

I left shortly thereafter as I could not think of anything else to say. I drove Chris M. to the impound lot so he could retrieve his house keys and then I drove him home. I thought, goody, more karma points. Actually, I think I’m paying back karma debits for the times people have helped me when I was stranded or broke down, etc.

And it occurred to me, as it usually does when I’m pouty and pissy and whiny, that God really does hear me. God has provided me with this incredible group of people who take care of me. Just when I think that my life is terrible and empty and void of what I really want, someone does something like this and it makes me ashamed of feeling this way because I am truly blessed with the most remarkable people, from my dearest friends to someone like Renae, and that all I have to do sometimes is allow myself to be seen, vulnerable, in pain, and someone will soothe it.

I am humbled tonight by the generosity of this spirit and by the grace that God has given me. I am so thankful that He gives me these moments where he just lets me whine and bitch and moan about what a terrible life I have. Then he does this.

And then God laughs at my humanness, my frailty, my disbelief. He laughs like a tolerant parent, not mocking, but with love. He laughs at my lack of ability to see the grace He has given me and He laughs as He gently points out this grace to me. And the disillusionment of these past few days dissipates and the clowns get locked back in their cages where they belong and I am left with just this profound sense of wonder at the life in my life and the generosity of spirit surrounding me. And I am humbled in the presence of a God who really does know what’s going on in my life, who really does understand my pain and my anger and my sorrow, and who knows sometimes, the best thing to heal what ails is to treat His child to a day at a crowded, noisy, over-priced theme park on the day of his Son’s crucifixion with one of her dearest friends. That is when I feel God the most and when I know that He laughs. And I’m glad he does.