The musical, “Pippin,” is one of my favorites for many reasons. One of them is that my father recorded a PBS broadcast of it for me when I was about 20 and just discovering Bob Fosse. I had fallen in love with “All That Jazz”, the first film to make me go, wow, I didn’t know you could do that with film. Dad saw “Pippin” in the TV Guide, knew it was by Fosse so he recorded it for me because he knew I loved Fosse. I promptly fell in love with the musical and grew to adore my father even more.
And one of my fondest memories is of one of the broken pieces of my heart walking around the empty Ark Theatre before rehearsal, one of the first we had for my favorite play, belting out “Glory, Glory” and his gorgeous voice echoing through the small space. Gave me chills. Makes me smile, even today. (Yes, believe it or not, Mr. L., I still have very fond memories of you rolling around in my head.)
So I’m driving home tonight from a delicious Del Taco dinner with the fabulous Patty Jean, feeling a little better but still kind of mired in an unidentified funk I’ve been in for a while. Can’t really figure out why. The usual things are hovering – OOMA, not great birthday, still residual stuff about the ex, living with the folks. But nothing big, just stuff.
Then a song from “Pippin” came on to my newly resurrected Ipod. And I realized what was going on with me.
I’m trying to find my corner of the sky.
“Everything has its season
Everything has its time
Show me a reason and I'll soon show you a rhyme
Cats fit on the windowsill
Children fit in the snow
Why do I feel I don't fit in anywhere I go?”
I have never fit in anywhere in my life. I never fit in with my family, the lone artist in a group of athletes. I never fit in at school, beat and battered through junior high, although I almost fit in during high school, thanks to band and theater. My first marriage didn’t fit. He wanted fun and frivolity, I thought we were growing up and into something more.
LA almost didn’t fit at first. I always felt on the edge of things, watching, waiting for the cool kids to let me in and let me play. I know so much of this hinges on my feeling like I don’t belong in my own family (my sister and brother were here last year for five days – not a single picture with me in it for their whole visit. Mom didn’t notice that until about a month later, after going through the pictures for the umpteenth time). I was always on the outside looking in, wanting to be the athlete with the trophies or the cool kid that everyone hung out with or the smart one or the funny one or the fill-in-the-blank one.
My second marriage made me feel like someone at first. But as time went by, it became what I knew – I wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t strong enough, I wasn’t anything enough. I didn’t deserve to play with him (aka the cool kid) because I didn’t live up to his expectation. Therefore, I was again on the outside, looking in, wanting to be loved, wanting to be appreciated for who I was, not some image of who I should be.
Wanting to find my corner of the sky.
“Every man has his daydreams
Every man has his goal
People like the way dreams have
Of sticking to the soul
Thunderclouds have their lightning
Nightingales have their song
And don't you see I want my life to be
Something more than long....”
As I began my new life, I maybe saw a peek into that corner. I began to feel like, for the first time in 43 years, maybe there was somewhere I fit. I was treated differently at The Ark Theatre than I had ever been treated anywhere before. People began looking at me as an artist, as something other than the loser on the edge, the one who didn’t fit. And I craved that.
That’s why OOMA had such a huge effect on me. He saw me as I wanted to be seen. He saw the person I was trying to become and he treated me like I was already that person. He SAW me. And the other pieces of my heart (broken and otherwise) also saw me that way. Then the women in my life started to make me think I could fit in, I could find that corner I was seeking.
But lately, in the past six months maybe, that corner seems to be further and further away. Creatively, I think I’m beginning to make it out but personally, I’m still the one no one wants in their pictures. I’m still the one standing on the side, watching the better and stronger take the glory and bask in the light. I’m still the awkward girl with braces and glasses being put down by the bullies and the bitches who tried to break my spirit at 13. I’m still the little sister who didn’t matter in the family of overachievers. I’m still invisible.
I thought that had changed but sometimes I don’t feel like it has. Losing the friendship of one of the people I never thought I would lose makes me feel invisible. The fact that I no longer am important in his life makes me feel invisible. The fact that he doesn’t seem to notice this makes me feel invisible. Having no one to hold me and love me makes me feel invisible. I’m back to being 13 years old and not existing. Even my creative life cannot fill that void.
“Rivers belong where they can ramble
Eagles belong where they can fly
I've got to be where my spirit can run free
Got to find my corner of the sky.”
So I’m struggling right now, knowing and understanding that I am not that invisible 13-year-old girl hiding from the bullies, wanting to be just like my big sister, trying to overcome the very strong negativity from my mother, not belonging anywhere. I know I have a stronger home, a stronger core than I have probably ever had in my life. I know I am on the path to that corner of the sky. I know that I am not invisible and that I do matter and I am real. I’m struggling to hold on to that knowledge and make it real. Trying to realize that what I am doing is special and precious and extraordinary.
“So many men seem destined
To settle for something small
But I won't rest until I know I'll have it all
So don't ask where I'm going
Just listen when I'm gone
And far away you'll hear me singing
Softly to the dawn:”
So I’m looking for you all to sing along with me and help me along. Got to find my corner of the sky.
“Rivers belong where they can ramble
Eagles belong where they can fly
I've got to be where my spirit can run free
Got to find my corner of the sky.”
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