Having a hard time keeping the blues at bay today. Feeling very indigo and ragged. Can’t seem to stop the tears from flowing, no matter how hard I try.
Events of the past week or so have left me battered and feeling old. Too old for such bullshit. Too old for such feelings. Just too old.
Too old to be living moment to moment, not knowing how I’m going to pay my cable bill and whether I can afford to go to a movie this afternoon. Too old to be having my parents help me out. Too old to be this alone and starting from scratch. Too old to hurt this much over something that wasn’t mine to begin with.
I wasn’t asking for the world. Just some time with someone special that I thought was already there. I guess I’ve asked for too much this past year, and gotten a great deal of it, so it would be ungrateful to demand that this want be filled, too. I guess I can have one or the other – my dreams and hopes for my professional life or the dreams and hopes for my persona life. The two never seem to be able to co-exist. So how do you choose? Someone wise recently said just making a choice is the right choice. But sometimes, I feel that choice is not given to me, that it’s decided without consulting me, and I’m stuck with the results.
I’ll try to peek around the blue today to see the golden on the other side. He’s still in my life, he’s still very dear to me. There are things coming up which excite me, projects I can’t wait to get to. My newest theater project will allow me the company and the pleasure of working with two of my favorite actors and men – AJ and Peter. I just have to get through today and hope that the gold will begin to show tomorrow.
2 comments:
when do we read-through, luv?
how hard it is to love someone who you know isnt in your highest good.
I know, I know.........I still want him back.
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