I went to a memorial service tonight for a man I did not know well. Alan Ross and his life partner, Steven Small, attended an improv soap opera religiously at the same time my ex and I did. We met in line and a friendship grew. Steve, I think, never really cared for me but tolerated my presence because he adored Richard. Alan, however, always treated me with love, affection and respect. Alan passed away just over a month ago and, although we only saw each other maybe once a year, he affection and his joyful soul will always be something I’ll carry with me.

The tribute to Alan tonight was overwhelming. He touched so many lives, both here and overseas. I learned about Alan’s outreach to gay men all over the world, helping them find ways to live in countries where gay men are tormented and kept deeply in the closet for fear of their safety.

Steve and Alan’s love for each other is what each of us hope to find. You could feel that love from across the room. I had the pleasure of being at their 25th anniversary party.

Alan’s presence will be greatly missed by many.

This, of course, got me thinking about a great many things.

First, I had thought that this would be my ex and I. Many, many years into the future, when one of us passed on, there would be this tribute for the one who passed and the one left, saying that our love was amazing, it was the stuff of storybooks. That others envied and admired our passion for each other. Now, obviously, not gonna happen. Breaks my heart a little bit.

The other thing it made me think about is what do I want people to say about me at my memorial service (when I’m 183)? A year ago, I wasn’t sure I would even want to entertain the thought of what people would say about me. Now, I hope I have begun a life that will translate into the kind of things that people were saying about Alan tonight – about finding and pursuing his life’s work, about how happy he was and how filled with joy. I hope to maybe also find the person who will be the one with whom I will have the love that others will envy.

And, as always, it made me realize that we never, ever say how we feel about those in our lives, no matter how often we think we do it. We should say it loud and often. I try but I don’t think I convey enough to those I love how much they mean to me. So, once again, here’s who I love and why. Do you own list. Make sure they know.

1. The 3 pieces of my heart. I don’t know you guys came to be that but you are. Together, when the three of you are around me, I know that no harm will come to me and that I am the most special woman on the face of the earth to have such incredible men want to be a part of my life. When one of you is not there, I am not complete.

Individually:

1 a) Peter – you give me hope that my faith is going in the right direction. I admire your convictions and your strong, quiet belief in God in your life. You inspire me to be a better person and to explore my own journey with the spirit within me.

1 b) AJ – I adore your passion and your talent. Your understanding of this twisted life we live yet your utter belief in this twisted life touches me. You reach my intelligence and make me think, god help me.

1 c) Chairman – you have the biggest piece of my heart for all you have done, been and meant to me. There aren’t words enough.

2. Zadra – what can I say? Best friend, best listener, best philosopher. You keep me sane, you keep my feet on the ground – except when it’s better to have my head in the clouds. I’m not crazy with you, I am just myself. Thanks for helping me off the ledge – over and over again.

3. Monica – another ledge-dweller, my new friend. Your research into the fine art of living has given me insight and hope. I want you to find that hope as well.

4. Patty Jean – Best sidekick a girl could have. You are adorable, funny, smart and sexy. I aspire to your outlook and your belief in all things good.

5. Erik – we’ve been through a lot. Your constant calls to check in on me and your friendship has meant a great deal to me. Your love for your children is the most amazing thing I have ever seen.

6. Kim – you have been my friend, my partner in crime, my support and my lifeline for too many years to mention. I feel your love and your presence every day and I miss you more and more all the time. I’m so glad you’ve been in my life.

7. My newest found friends – Anna, Bonnie, Misha, et al. – I’m so pleased to find myself in the company of funny, smart, talented, passionate, daring broads. You help me see that vulnerable and open is amazing and that we broads need to stick together.

8. Career Success Group (in all its various forms) – It’s hard sometimes to realize that I have lost a huge piece of my former life but I guess that’s what happens when things come to an end. However, the friends that formed this incredible group will always be dear and special to me because, without all of you and this group, I would not be where I am today and I would never have discovered my passion.

9. Cindy – this is a hard one right now. I love you when you piss me off, I love you when I say I hate you, I love you when you’re in pain or when I’m in pain. We’re together and we’re apart, we’re close and we’re not. I wish I knew how to reach you because you mean the world to me. Such is the wonder of sisters.

10. RMJ – you had my heart, you gave me so many gifts, you gave me the best that you could. I hope you find joy, as I have found, and that you find our place in this world and that that discovery will bring you peace.

11. The other mid-lifers – I am blessed that you all came into my life via blogspot. It’s comforting to know you are out there, sharing the fight, sharing the struggle, sharing the ledge with me. Know that you inspire me to keep going and I hope to inspire you as well. No one understands us as well as we do each other.

I know I’ve missed many of you. If I have, know that I am overwhelmed constantly by the love and support I feel every single day from any combination of the friends in my life. As this first year of my mid-life journey comes to an end, I am still amazed by the life I have fought for and I am always grateful for those who have battled along with me.

But I do encourage you to find the ones you love and tell them – TELL THEM – what you would say at their memorial. Embrace them, love them and tell them why.

And I just found this quote on storypeople.com which seemed appropriate -

"Someday, the light will shine like a sun through my skin & they will say, What have you done with your life? & though there are many moments I think I will remember, in the end, I will be proud to say, I was one of us." Thank you, Brian Andreas.