Recovering slowly...

Thanks for the thoughts and good wishes. The events of this past year just seem to sneak up on me once in a while and knock the wind out of me. I know I’ll get past it but sometimes, I just need to wallow. I appreciate the understanding and support of the wallowing.

This time, it’s been a bit harder to recover as there are many things piling up on me that I need to make some decisions on and I don’t really want to. Also, it’s frigging hot out and I don’t feel like doing anything at all. I had hoped to get a good bunch of editing done and get some work done on my latest script but the heat and the events of the past week or so have taken all my motivation away. No air conditioning so my apartment is an oven, with myself and Twyla spending most of our time flat on our backs on the tile floor, hoping to grab some breeze from the fans throughout the apartment.

I need to figure out something else for work. The new-ish job with the actress/director is easy but it’s mind-numbing and I’m already dreading the days I have to work with her. She’s darling and easy but it just makes me crazy to drive all the way to Brentwood just to answer her emails and open her mail. I need more stimulation than that. I have a couple of leads on some people who are interested in my jewelry and my journals so I’ll try to find some time/motivation this weekend to get off my ass and redesign my jewelry site and maybe make some more journals so I can have them on the site as well. I’ll probably keep my medical transcription client as that I can d that at home and he’s pretty easy and a good steady source of income. Maybe I’m just bored. I don’t know.

I want to try to figure out how to get paid work as a director by the end of the year. I have these two very good short films, which I’ll try to figure out how to put up on YouTube, since the entire world is there. And I’ll hopefully finish the rough edit on Cinderella soon, which will give me more footage for a reel. I just think that’s where my energy needs to go, instead of trying to find a new job. Find some way to get paid for what I love. That’s what we all strive for, isn’t it?

Still struggling with leftover emotions about my ex. Some days, I curse his name. Some days, at least recently, I miss him terribly. Or maybe I miss US terribly. I don’t know. It’s all very confusing. Sometimes, I want to call him and just say, should we try this again, now that we have some distance? That’s what I intended when we split up. I had never intended for it to be permanent, he made that decision without me. Maybe it would be better now that we both have had some time to think, some time to reflect. Although I don’t think so. We’ve hurt each other too much, we’ve both moved on to other lives. I don’t know that I could go back to him now, carrying the anger and the hurt with me that I have over him. I guess I’m just spending some time in “what if”, just to see what I think.

As for OOMA, nothing is easy or clear on that front. Although he told me where he stands, I struggle with whether or not he really believes we’re just friends. He still sends out things to me that say otherwise but there is really nothing I can do unless he’s willing to step forward with that. So now the tough decision is how much do I want him in my life. I cannot imagine my life without him now, although we don’t see each other as often as we used to. But I cannot imagine spending all this time with him now as it’s hard for me to just be a friend. Silly, high school feelings, it seems like, but that’s what it is. And there are other things that compound my mixed feelings about him that I need to sort out. My female friends are very vocal about how important our friendship is and how much they are happy we’re friends. I am very vocal about how I feel about my friends, and this particular man. However, I still feel like I could walk away from him today and he wouldn’t blink an eye, outwardly. He would go on and find someone else to fill the space I once occupied. Yet, I can’t help but think I mean something to him. It’s just frustrating that he can’t say anything at all, even as a friend. It makes me very unsteady.

Compounding all of this confusion is just the simple fact that I’m lonely. I am ready to take the baby steps forward of sharing my life with someone, even if it’s just on a casual basis, just to have someone who wants to be with me, who wants to spend time with me and who maybe wants to snuggle now and again. Not much to ask, or maybe too much to ask.

So the goal for today is to scrape myself off the floor – it’s a tiny bit cooler today so that may be easier – maybe go to the beach after I check in at the actress’ house and go through her stuff (she’s in Maine but still have to do some things at her house). If it stays cool, maybe I can get some editing done tonight. At least feel like I’m doing something constructive. I have gotten a few pages written on “Live at Five” and I need to get a couple of packages together over the weekend to send “Weight of the Word” out to a couple of festivals. And I’ve started rehearsals for the “Importance of Being Earnest” lab at the end of August. Hopefully, once I get moving again, perpetual motion will take over and keep me going.

For right now, I need to let my brain work these things out and then Myspace me as to what we’re doing. Difficult decisions will be decided and then I’ll just keep putting one foot in front of the other and see where this next year leads me.