Of potstickers, bloody drumsticks and ice cream…

I have Ellen sticks! More about that later…

After weeks of blue and unanswered questions and struggles and battles and challenges, God and Buddha finally gave me a respite. I have been praying and chanting for understanding of these struggles and just wanting to know that they were worth it and that I’d come out the other side with something… more.

And tonight was it.

Once again, come out of the dark blues into the gold and the realization – this is what I want my life to be. And thank you, both divine deities, for showing this to me.

Actually, I guess today started last night and the four hour conversation with Monica that ended up the parking lot at Best Buy/Starbucks while the stores had closed and even the cleaning crews had gone. I love Monica for the fact that our conversations veer from her discussion and analysis of Atlas Shrugged to, gee, I like your shoes. Who could ask for more?

Spent the middle part of the day with the folks. My father’s looking well and golfed nine holes this week, Herculean when considering what his health is. The heat’s hard on him but he’s doing well. Mom and I went shopping, always a good day spent.

Then I met Monica for Chinese food and picking up where we left off about 18 hours previous. Chairman joined us shortly thereafter for potstickers and other delicacies. Then Zadra caught up with us and the circle was complete. The food was delicious, the company exquisite and, as I sat there listening to the other three talk, I realized how much these simple moments mean to me. My previous life had become very unsimple and each moment seemed to have been weighted with values and judgments and ridiculous expectations and such easy, real, simple moments had become impossible. To sit and eat and just talk about Chairman’s patio demolition and our color coordination was pure joy.

We all headed up to Universal to catch two sets by the incredible Piper Downs performing out front of the Hard Rock. If you haven’t yet met/seen/heard this band, run your fingers over to Piperdowns.com and become a convert. Bobby Bognar’s shirt declares him “Big Sexy” and I couldn’t agree more. But more than that, this band rocks the universe. Highly gifted musicians full of piss and vinegar, nobody does it better than this band. And since my introduction to them about a year ago through the charming Chairman, they have all welcomed me with open arms, whether I’m there as his guest or by myself. It means so much to me that these people treat me like a friend. Ellen, the killer drummer chick, is my hero. She loved the Piper Downs so much, she decided she needed to learn how to play drums because they needed a drummer and, six months later, she joined them. And now, I can’t imagine them without her. She inspires me with her joy and passion for drumming. I told her the last time I saw her that I was thinking of attacking drumming and she was so enthusiastic about that. So tonight I asked her for a pair of her sticks and she gave me the choice – the ones with or without the blood. Then she opted for one of each. So incredibly cool. I have Ellen sticks! Nothing more beautiful and amazing in the world. Now, however, I must put them to work. Let’s see where I am next time I see her.

Then Chairman, Monica and I wandered around CityWalk, stopping briefly at Howl At The Moon to listen to the funny but extremely raunchy dueling pianists up there. The three of us talked about nothing and everything, which was just fine. From there, a walk through Chocolate Loco and drooling at the “holy crap” everything-but-the-kitchen-sink-on-them dipped apples.

Topped the night off at Ben & Jerry’s – they had the New York something or other with walnuts and pecans, I had the triple caramel thingy. Ice cream never tasted better.

I drove them back to Toluca Gardens to go our separate ways and Monica and I chatted for yet another 45 minutes till we both had trouble keeping our eyes open.

Nothing earth-shattering, no big revelations – maybe a few little ones – nothing life changing. Although completely life-changing. As Monica and I talked, I couldn’t help but think about how this is how I envisioned my life when I left my marriage. Filled with joy and friends and love and pleasure. Stress will always be there, problems will always be there. But having the ability to just exist in joy for a couple of hours at a time makes that stuff tolerable – most of the time anyway.

I remembered last year, after the Slamdance reading, a couple of the guys wanted to go for drinks and I almost didn’t because of a number of reasons. But we ended up going and I had to leave just as I was enjoying myself because my ex had to get up in the morning. And all I could think of at that time was, “but this is what I want my life to be – go for drinks, enjoy life, enjoy ourselves – the rest will figure itself out.” And as we walked out of the Formosa Café that night, it really became clear to me that my old life was not working anymore, it just didn’t fit where I wanted to be. Not just out with friends, but having the freedom to choose it.

My holiday dinner with Chairman and Peter and Peter’s mother was one of those moments where I went, this is what I want my life to be. Good food, good friends, no worries, no pressure, nothing but the pleasure of each other and the joy of sharing ourselves with each other. Why is that so hard to attain?

Tonight, again, listening to Chairman tell Monica the history of Saucy Jack and the Space Vixens and the background of that show, talking about San Diego next weekend, melting chocolate covered caramel bites in my mouth, I couldn’t help but say, thank you, God, Buddha, whoever has provided this night. Its pleasure, its simplicity, its comfort, its joy is what I needed after these tough weeks. I felt loved. Very, very loved. Just as I am, just as I will be, flawed, imperfect, striving, struggling, reaching. I am loved simply because I love back. And I love these people more than I can say, more than I have said over and over again. Because without nights like this, I would have finished that bottle of pills counted out so long ago. I would probably have found another bottle and given up. But in that dark moment, I knew there had to be more. I knew there had to be more for me. And it was up to me to find that more. And I have found some of it. My heart is full tonight, full of simple love. It’s as simple as that and as complex as that.

And I want more. And I have Ellen sticks!

Once again, Mr. Urban’s voice goes through my head – “these are the days that we’ll remember.”