My wondrous emotional life

As always, I am overwhelmed by the response to my blue days. Luckily, they get further and further between but they are still hard when I run into them. I am especially touched by the strangers who feel compelled to reach out and try to offer any kind of support and encouragement that they can. You don’t know what that means to me, that my incredibly simple problems seem to touch those who don’t know me so much. That helps clear away the blue and bring back the gold.

The recent comment about being a “Great Dane type of woman” made me laugh out loud, which felt good. It also flattered me and gave me such a great image of what a “Great Dane type of woman” is. Thank you, Anonymous, for that gift. I’m still smiling.

Her comment also tied in perfectly to what I’ve been thinking about over the past few days as I’ve struggled with a glut of emotional feelings. I’ve been told over and over again in my life that I’m too emotional and that I take things too personally and let them get to me. And I’ve spent my whole life trying to push those emotions away and put them in drawers in my head and suppress them. My ex constantly told me that my emotions had no “truth” and that they were something I could simply choose not to have. “Then just don’t feel that way” was his constant refrain. And I tried. And I ended up counting pills out one dark night to see if there were enough.

Recently, again, I’ve been called to task for my emotions by someone who I used to be close to. And again, I thought, maybe he’s right, maybe I am too emotional and I let things get to me.

But over the past few days, as I’ve examined this pit of darkness to see what’s at the bottom of it, I realized that one of the reasons the dark used to be so dark was because that’s where all the emotions hid. I would spend weeks and months packing emotions into the dark corners of my mind and then, when those corners finally filled up, they burst at the seams and the outward appearance was this huge ball of emotion with no form and no shape. Anger, hurt, frustration, fear, disappointment all piled up together and became something unidentifiable. I began to not trust my own emotions because they were so huge, so out of control, so enormous that I couldn’t understand what they were. Then my ex informing me that they were not valid left me unable to even look at what I was feeling and sort it out.

These past few days have given me some insight into this part of my life. And here it is…

Fuck you all, I’m emotional. Deal with it. The more you allow me to express those emotions as I experience them, the more you allow me the time to let the wave of emotion settle down, the more I can focus on the emotion and deal with it rather than pack it away. Then, instead of deep, dark, overwhelming feelings, I can look at single feelings at a time. And it’s so much more effective to be able to do that. And it makes me understand what I feel instead of trying to get to the real emotion on the bottom.

Yes, I hurt easily. Oh, well. Tough shit. Then maybe it’s your responsibility to handle me with a bit more care and be aware of how easily I wound. Come on, if it’s a relationship – and I don’t care if it’s as a lover or as a good friend – you have a responsibility to be aware to me. It’s not a one-way street.

Yes, I am a bit much to take sometimes because when I care about someone, I CARE about them. That translates into a bit of an obsessive thing and I realize that. I’m trying to be better about that, especially for the men in my life who I adore. But then be honest and gentle with me if I’m crossing a line. I need to know because not knowing means I’ll keep crossing that line. Tell me before I do it so we can just move on.

All these emotions also make me the artist that I am. How can I expect to reach your heart if mine is not open? How can I make you cry if I can’t find that in myself? As bad as the dark days are, they make me so appreciate of the golden days. Giving up the dark also means giving up the light. And I won’t do that.

The past couple of weeks have been a glut of emotional crap for me. Dealing with my sister and our complicated, sometimes challenging situation always breaks my heart when we get to these places. Going through the year anniversary of my separation and finally divorce from my ex has overwhelmed me with feelings – choices, decisions, sacrifices, pain – was it all worth it? Being sucker-punched right before the shoot two weeks ago by you – and, yes, I know you read this so don’t pretend you don’t – forced me to deal with lingering insecurities and the validity of my feelings. And the recent dealings with the OOMA and encounters with Pantiless Girl have all just given me more than I can handle.

However, it’s made me realize one thing – I don’t care if my emotions don’t make sense to anyone else. They make sense to me. And since they’re mine, they matter and they are valid. And I will no longer allow anyone to make me feel that my feelings and emotions are not valid. So I’ve been depressed for a few days. Deal with it. And, you, OOMA, you hurt me. I probably will never be able to tell you that to your face, but you did. And I’m sorry you can’t open yourself up to what I have to offer. And I’ll live, you didn’t break my heart that badly. But I may need some time to get back to you, if I ever do.

I’m glad I have the friends around me who understand my emotional life and accept that as a part of me. I’ve never had that in my life. It’s allowing me to really understand myself and my emotions, which can only help me to get to a place where my emotions don’t rule my life but make my life richer and fuller, help me get to a place where, when they come, my emotions can be dealt with and accepted, instead of hidden away and festering. And thanks to the strangers and the lurkers and the other mid-lifers out there who constantly remind me that we, as a human race, all share the same experiences and that we, indeed, are not alone, even in the darkness of the night.