So, of course, while I’m having the most wonderful time with Chairman and Monica this weekend, somehow there seemed to be some stowaways in my suitcase. How did I know they were there? Well, they’re an insidious bunch and they’re sneaky, too. At the most inappropriate times, there were little whispers in my ear, things nobody else could hear, with that damned calliope music in the background. I won’t even dignify what they were saying but it was silly, four-year-old-stamp-my-feet-on-the-ground-and-pout kind of crap. Taking the tiniest of innocuous things and trying to build the Tower of Babel with them.
I fought them off heartily all the way through the weekend until the last night. Then I made the mistake of looking in the mirror in the bathroom on my way back to the Masquerade parade. Monica had given me this sexy lace-up vest that, earlier in the evening, I thought made me look fairly sexy and kind of hot. Suddenly, reflected back in the mirror was this 44-year-old, overweight, over-made-up woman trying to pretend that she’s a size 10 and 30 years old. The circus clowns saw the opening and launched a full frontal attack. There was much mocking, much sniggering and a whole of lot “what the hell were thinking” questions being bandied about in my head as I rejoined Chairman and Monica. By the time we left for a tasteless but cheap dinner at Subway, I could not wait to get back to Becky’s and take off these clothes and put on something that covered me from neck to ankle.
From there, the clowns went after everything I had been fighting off all weekend. Totally sucked the wind out of me. I sat down at Subway, feeling like I had made such a fool of myself in so many ways this weekend, that I had done everything wrong, and so many more things that I can’t and won’t get into here. Suffice to say, there was very little of me sitting at that table. Chairman came to sit down and I saw him look at me then frown with concern. Monica joined us and the two of them, almost simultaneously, asked if I was okay. I hadn’t realized that the noise from the clowns had manifested itself on my face. It suddenly made me feel better to see the concern coming from my two friends. The clowns didn’t know what to do with that. After all, for so many years, the most important person in my life didn’t see the moments when the clowns took over and they prefer it that way. They don’t know what to do when someone expresses concern and wants to make things better.
I heard the sound of their floppy feet beating a retreat as both Chairman and Monica sat and conversed around me, but kept an eye on me and tried to get me to cheer up without making a big deal out of it. By the time we left, the calliope music had faded and, although I was still kind of sheepish about my outfit, I at least felt the beginnings of myself come back.
I want to know where all of these silly insecurities come from, the ones that say I am not worthy of the company I keep, that no one would miss me if I were not here. That particular people would not miss me if I were not in their lives. That I am making a fool of myself when I put myself out there and that I should just keep things to me. I want to find the origins of those clowns and see who set them free in my head. I know I bear a lot of responsibility for their existence but there has to be something that started it. I guess that’s the next evolution – locate the birth of the circus clowns and then kill it. Or at least acknowledge and recognize it.
For now, the clowns seem to be in Cleveland and are quietly tormenting someone else. I hope they stay on tour until I can figure out how to keep the big top out of my backyard.
4 comments:
Sue, don't worry about the clowns - they shut up the more you get into your own life. I've plowed through so many of them, I could start my own circus! (My elephants, of course, would be free-run. :) ) Those clowns are good, too, because they're trying to tell you where you would like to make adjustments - and that's good for your creativity, which turns into fun.
(This is Great Dane girl again, less and less anonymous as I learn how to blog! I've just started a blog of my own. I like blogreading so much these days, I figure I might as well jump right in!)
We would both miss you terribly!! And you and I looked hot... Chairman even got a high-five off of us...
...because, of course, you rock!!!!
Dude, you and Monica were hot babes!! Tell the clowns to go fuck themselves in their little car.
I too get the same insecurities, how do we get them, when we have such wonderful friends, who love us, and tell us when our insecurities are unfounded?
Well, we al have them of course, but you know what I mean.
And the heat is stupid. It makes everything jumble up inside your head and then come to surface when all you can do is sit there and melt and have nothing to do but stew in your own sauces.
I think you're at your drum circle right now. That should be awesome. I hope you're pounding out all those frustrations and exalting in the power of the rhythm.
Love you.
-Patty
Where do the clowns come from then? I think we've all got insecurities storming around inside us, and it depends on whether you're surounded by positive stuff or negative stuff to keep them at bay. if you surround yourself with enough positive stuff most of the time, eventually you draw strength to where you can remain positive even when negative stuff swirls.
It's only been a year or so since you've gotten away from the major negative crap. Thinking you should be past the clowns is like asking a toddler to dance Swan Lake. You gotta give yourself room here. Room to feel ALL the crap, good and bad, and not to kick yourself when the clowns come to town. If there's a way to scientifically watch the clowns, instead of getting swept up with them, then they start to overperform, and they look damn silly. You're on your way. I promise you. Go drum some shit!
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