Kind of ruminating tonight on friends found and friends lost, the joys and pitfalls of the recent past.
The “Saucy Jack” party (a show that we just closed) made me grateful for all I have gotten from the Ark. So much talent in that company that it humbles me to even be in the same room with some of that talent. It makes me grateful that I get to play with that talent often…especially several of my favorites. It’s so nice to have a shorthand with actors and work with actors who read your mind. And the results are astonishing to watch. Reading the press release for my new show, “Afterplay,” featuring Chairman Barnes (already often mentioned as one of my favorite human beings) and Kristy Munden, and seeing “Lloyd’s Prayer,” my previous show, written up as “critically acclaimed,” which it was – LA Weekly Pick of the Week and great Backstage West write-up – made me realize what an amazing thing this company is in my life. It allows me to do the best work of my life as a director.
But that can’t help but lead me to what I’ve given up to pursue that. My personal life recently has undergone great sacrifice and I find myself facing a very uncertain future, personally and professionally. I’d like to think that I have the talent to become a Barry Levinson type of director who gets to do one film for creative satisfaction and then maybe one studio film to pay for the personal one. Write my own ticket would be the ideal. But that’s not very realistic in this town. If I’m lucky, I’ll get to direct commercials and music videos to pay my rent and maybe shoot the odd digital feature on a dime to satisfy the muse. And for that, I’ve given up 14 years of marriage and everything that my life had become.
I’d like to fall in love again. I’d like to have that stupid, giddy feeling when that person walks into the room. Feminist that I am, I still want some of the Cinderella stuff. Not all of it, but some of it is really appealing. The sweeping-off-the-feet thing is nice.
I have incredible friends who have been at my side through all of this. Great friends who make me feel like I’m the most amazing person in the world and that my talent is limitless – okay, maybe not limitless but at least something they want to partake of as often as I will let them. To get to work with your friends is the greatest thing and that’s the other joy of the Ark.
Of course, close-knit families have their dysfunctions and I’ve gone through those at the Ark as well. People who have come and gone, leaving their mark (good and bad) behind. Struggles within the company to try to do my best while sometimes not feeling appreciated. All the joy and pain that goes into the creative process.
But is that creative process worth the sacrifice? That’s what I find myself contemplating often lately. I can’t wait to get to rehearsal most days because it’s the greatest joy of my life. Seriously, even bad rehearsals are a pleasure because they reveal things and open up instincts that otherwise get ignored. I love show nights, watching the audience file in, listening to their reactions. With “Lloyd’s,” I loved watching the audience be moved to tears, as I was every single performance. I was delighted when I’d see people skulk out of the theater, trying to hide their tear-stained faces. It meant I did my job. It’s so fulfilling watching the process grow and become its own entity.
But I have given up everything for it. And I don’t know what that is going to mean. I hope I don’t regret it a year from now or 20 years from now. I try not to regret anything as I believe that each experience informs the next and without this terrible pain and loss, the next phase won’t be what it’s supposed to be – good or bad.
The past few months have been hard and I am sorry that I’ve lost some friends along the way. The ones who I thought would be there for me that weren’t. The ones who I thought I could count on that I found out I couldn’t. They’re still friends but, in my heart, it’s colored a little differently now. A few friendships have been lost completely and those I will miss the most. Unfortunately, those are out of my hands and I have to just enjoy the memories of times gone past, like small treasures to be taken out and looked at and then put away carefully so as not to lose them. I will miss those people terribly as some of them have been around almost as long as I’ve been in LA.
Don’t know what’s got me on this reflective journey tonight but thought I’d put it up anyway. Read it, don’t read it (of course, if you’re this far down, you’ve already read it). Maybe reflect a little on your own life tonight and what you want, what you’ve lost, what you’ve sacrificed, and where you’re going. Hug the one you love and be very, very grateful you have someone to hug/love. Hug someone you think needs it – cuz we all do. And keep those lost treasures close to your heart, safe and warm.
