Introspection

Kinda in a weird place tonight (when am I not?).

Saw my therapist today and that always makes me take all my emotions, throw them up in the air and see where they land. While I think progress is being made, I always feel a little unbalanced for a while afterwards.

Therapy makes you look into all the deep, dark corners of your life. Ironically, I was sitting in the waiting room, reading this article about Werner Hertzog, the filmmaker, in a psychology magazine, asking him what he thinks about psychology. He basically said, “When you move into an apartment, you cannot start to illuminate every last corner with neon light. If there are no dark corners or hidden niches, your house becomes uninhabitable. Human beings who are trying to self-reflect and explore their innermost being to the last corner become uninhabitable people.” He went on to say about understanding other people, “By dint of compassion, you understand other people, and there is a concordance of hearts. That is something different. Move away from psychology and engage in concordance of hearts.” (Here’s the link for those of you who are curious, AJ, http://cms.psychologytoday.com/rss/pto-20050620-000014.html).

While I liked a lot of what he said, I think there is value to therapy otherwise I wouldn’t be in it. But I do like the phrase “engage in concordance of hearts.” I can’t explain what I like about it but I find it intriguing. The idea that if we could just accept and embrace the heart of each other, we would find understanding and acceptance of each other and maybe not judge so harshly and not hurt so much the people we love. We might not question when we love someone or who that person is. It might make it a little easier to find someone to love or to say to someone, hey, you know what, I love you, I dig you, I want to be with you for a while. Whatever happens. Then when it ends, to be able to say, thank you for sharing your life for a little while. Blessings on the rest of it.

Okay, I shouldn’t blog when I’m feeling philosophical. But going to these sessions have been interesting and have really shed some light into the dark corners and made me face some of the demons, some of the terrors, some of the things that I don’t want to share but I probably should. It makes me look my insecurity in the eye and, while I am not able yet to spit in its eye, I can at least look at it and not run screaming away from it. I can look at the loneliness in my life and accept that it’s not a bad thing to say to someone, hey, I’m lonely right now, I could use a friend, be my friend and keep me from being lonely. I’m afraid to say that out loud because it feels too intrusive into someone else’s space. I always figure you should know I’m lonely, dammit, and come to me without my having to ask for it. But I’m learning that, while some people can read my mind while I’m directing, it doesn’t mean anyone can read my mind when I keep it closed off and behind very high walls.

I’m struggling to learn to let some cherished people into the dark places in my soul and let them see what’s in there. While I don’t think I want to illuminate my whole being with neon, I think shedding some light on those dark places and clearing out the cobwebs might not be so bad. Dispelling the demons and releasing the blackness will hopefully lead to something less frightening and maybe to someone who’s not afraid of those dark places in me. Someone who will allow me the dark moments and not try to make me shut the door on those dark rooms. Someone who will hold my hand while I traverse those corridors, bearing only a small candle, and tell me he’ll be waiting there on the porch when I’m ready to let him in. Hopefully, he will bring his own light and maybe let me into his sheltered rooms, for me to shed a little light on his own darkness.