Insomnia...

And so starts the week before the show insomnia.

Happens every time. I don’t know why I think each show will be different. I didn’t sleep for almost two weeks before “Lloyd’s Prayer” opened. So I should just build that time into my schedule and accept it.

The problem is this – most people have a voice in their head, I have a committee. And they like to convene at 2 AM usually, asking stupid questions (did you pay the gas bill, what exactly is a balalaika), mostly stuff I can do nothing about at 2 AM. Or, like tonight, they begin to go through the script of the current show line by line, overanalyzing everything, planning, plotting, figuring out exactly how this is going to work. Luckily, I always work with amazing actors and the mind committee is never obsessing over whether the actors will be good.

Then they move on to examining my shortcomings, both as a director and as a person. They pick apart my approach to directing, how it’s not really very good, how I am hindering my actors and not serving the script. They overanalyze everything Paul has said in rehearsal and how that reflects what a terrible director I am. Then they move on to the failure of my marriage, my two year long depression, the way I painted my room, and all of my personality flaws.

And I lay in bed and listen to them until I can’t stand it anymore. Then I get up, surf the web, write something sometimes, anything to not listen to those annoying voices in my head.

Sometimes, I can be quite productive at 2 AM until around 6 AM, when the committee is finally exhausted and disbands for the time being. Like this morning, I will probably finish this up, tackle some of the work that’s piled up on my computer, maybe even build some shelves in my room that I’ve been avoiding. I’ll probably grab the script and go through it, trying to filter out the negative things the committee has planted and try and focus on the productive things that came out of the late night self-examination.

Benadryl has been a godsend these past couple of weeks because it knocks me out. Unfortunately, it leaves me with a hangover that lasts well into the next day and makes it impossible to get anything done before noon. By then, I’m so far behind, I don’t know how to catch up.

So, tonight – or more precisely this morning – I will get up now (2:05 AM), do some transcription work that’s due in the morning, listen to Twyla purr and chirp at me, obsess over the show while working, and hopefully doze off as the sun rises. And then tomorrow night, begin the whole thing all over again.

So if you’re one of the insomnia club, feel free to drop me an early morning email or instant message (if you can figure that out on this site, I can’t), and we can commiserate on the sunrise.

Sweet dreams.