Sacrifice is worth it...

9/19/05

Today, I realized why I have sacrificed so much lately to just keep creating…

I have been at the bottom of a very deep, dark abyss the last few days. Unfortunately, as I get older, the depression (when it comes) comes hard and deep. I somehow manage to soldier on but it takes everything I have to just get out of bed in the morning, never mind actually function throughout the day. It’s a horrible, crippling place to be with no hope or rescue in sight.

Today, I was overwhelmed and frustrated with my work (although trying to be grateful I can work in my underwear), a little daunted by “Afterplay” opening Saturday, dealing with seeing far too much of the soon-to-be ex this week and the weeks coming up with the holiday shows. Basically, suffocating in the pit of bleakness I have been living in lately. I even came very close to calling the soon-to-be and seeing if he would take me back just because it would be so much easier than this unending stretch of uncertainty in front of me.

But I pushed myself to rehearsal, hoping I would at least be coherent and say something moderately inspiring since both my actors have worked so hard to get to this point.

Then Chairman came in and he always lifts my heart – as I’ve said before, one of my quartet of favorite men.

SIDEBAR: Okay, used to be three but there are now four men with whom I am deeply, madly, crazily in love with for their talent, their hearts and souls, and their ability to make me smile and laugh even at the end of the world. Gee, if only I could put all four of them together, what a man that would make. They touch my life, my work and my soul.

Okay, back to the blog.

So as much as I wanted to be bleak and cold and miserable, seeing Chairman won’t let me. Then Kristy came in and her enthusiasm and passion for this part picked me up a bit more.

As we got into things, I could feel this heaviness and depression push back a bit. Although it was not an easy rehearsal – I sort of dread this point of rehearsal, the nit-picky, stop and start part – I found myself getting more and more immersed in the process. I love nothing more than the back and forth between myself and an actor. Argue with me, disagree with me but you’d better have a point as to why you don’t agree with me. I love to watch how this exchange makes the project richer and the performances grow. As I’ve said before, I love the shorthand between Chairman and I – “on that line”… “you want more”…”yeah, something…” “got it.” And he does exactly what I’ve been thinking I want him to do.

And to watch the moments that grow out of the actors finding and connecting with each other and themselves. Those moments when they discover the secret inside life of the character. Those moments that I, as a director, cannot create. They have to come from the actor’s internal organs.

I found myself laughing out loud at a few of the wonderful moments in this play while Chairman and Kristy discovered their characters. I couldn’t take my eyes off them as they connected viscerally and emotionally. I held my breath over a couple of delicate, tenuous moments that were so pure and so sweet.

By the time we were done and Chairman and Kristy both said goodbye, the darkness in my life had parted a bit and the weight of the world had been reduced to just the weight of a continent. I felt like I had accomplished more in the short time that we were together than I had in the past four days put together.

As I gathered my bag and walked to my car, I came to the realization that I do live to direct. If I couldn’t do this, I wouldn’t live. It’s as simple as that. And it’s worth the sacrifice, no matter what it is, because this is what I was meant to do.

And this is just the beginning of a very long road, which will be fraught with more dark days but hopefully filled with more than its share of joyful days. All I know is that any time I get to do this work, God has blessed me with the most amazing gift that He could.