Fear of...

I’m actually scared.

I don’t know why. I know how to do this. I’ve been doing it long enough. I am confident in what I do and how I do it.

Maybe I’ve put too much pressure on myself with wanting to do something good enough to get us to San Francisco. Maybe I’m just putting too much pressure on myself to not only do the best short film I can do, but to outdo myself so I don’t let anybody down.

The first two years, I felt like there was just me, and maybe my dearest Chairman, who was my rock way back then, to be let down if this didn’t work. Sure, I’d disappoint the other actors and crew and it’s not that everybody wasn’t invested in it. But if I fell on my face, I felt like I would only be letting myself and maybe Chairman down. I wouldn’t be letting anyone else down because, after all, it’s only a 48 hour film.

But this year feels different. I have a writing team, Monica and Dave, whose talents I adore. I think they’re a good match for me. And Peter is going to the kick-off with me and I know he’ll be there for anything and everything I need and I’m really glad for that because I’m really missing my partner in crime right now since he has chosen to make himself scarce in my life.

Maybe it’s just that. I’ve done two of these with someone there who I felt like was a partner for these things. And he’s not there this year. And I feel his absence, as a collaborator and as a friend. He is a huge hole in my life right now and that is incredibly hard.

And this time around, there feels like there is so much at stake. I want to make the top 10. I want to take my team to San Francisco. And if we don’t make it, I will have failed. I realize, of course, I have no control over it and sometimes the people who judge these things make really inconceivable decisions. I know that, no matter what, my film will be better than probably 60% of them, of that I have confidence.

But I feel like I could let so many people down if I fail. Monica and Dave, Peter, Tricia and Erin and Patty and all the others who have thrown their hat into the ring with me this time. They’ll be supportive and encouraging, no matter what. But I want to make them proud because of everything they have done for me and how much they have absolute faith in me.

The first two years, I went in blindly. The first year especially, and I had two of the four pieces of my heart there, which made it so much easier. One of those pieces is forever gone from me and that makes this hard because, despite everything, I actually miss him. Yes, he can be difficult and he can be a little nuts, but he is so talented and so passionate and so… just so. CL, I hope you’re finding what you’re seeking in your life.

Last year, I had two other pieces of my heart there (one of whom is still hanging around this year) and that made it so much easier.

This year, I am acutely aware that I have lost a lot in the past two years. Maybe it’s because this film always marks the decision to end my marriage. Yes, there were many things leading up to it but this project is what made me choose. And looking back over these two years, I can see what I’ve accomplished and those who have been there for those accomplishments. I can see where I came from and, for now, I can see where I’m going.

But I also see a lot of regrets, things I’ve fucked up, relationships I have somehow managed to ruin, goals I’ve set that I haven’t achieved and so many things I wish I hadn’t done. I can’t fix the and I know that. But, added to other things, it makes this film hard this year.

I know I have the most incredible support and I’m excited to be working with this incredibly talented bunch of people. I am always humbled when they drop everything to leap off the cliff with me. While I know my vision and my talent are what shape this project, without their talents and their abilities and their simple trust in me, nothing I do would be as good as it is.

So I hope this has exorcised my fears for the night. I am pretty sure that I won’t get much sleep because that’s just the way it is as I go into anything like this. I hope I will find myself sitting up at 3 a.m., my brain full of ideas for the weekend, making lists of what has to be done and how to get it done, some loglines for what we could write, handling whatever prep I can do for this, and I hope that’s all I find at 3 a.m. I know I’ll feel better when I see Peter tomorrow at the kick-off and I know that Dave, Monica and I will write a killer script. And I am pretty confident we have a shot at San Francisco. But I am going to concentrate on the now and the top 10 can come next week.

Send us good vibes, good hopes and good prayers for a successful shoot.

Thanks to my very talented collaborators. You guys rock my world on a daily basis and you make me proud every time we work together. I’ll see you very soon!