Unforgivable sin...

I will never forgive you for making me give up on having a baby. You made the whole experience so awful and painful and difficult. You made me feel guilty for having you jerk off in a cup twice a month, even though I was the one who underwent all the horrible, painful tests and hormone treatments and operations. Jerking off in a cup doesn’t even fucking equal the one x-ray I had done (hysterosalpingogram, for those of you with a yen for research). Jerking off in a cup doesn’t even fucking equal having exploratory surgery just to check out why we weren’t getting pregnant. Jerking off in a cup doesn’t even fucking equal the emotional pain and sorrow when I got my period every single month, knowing I had failed yet again at something I wanted so badly. Your comforting words? It’s okay, I’m okay if we don’t have children. So fucking glad you’re okay because, god forbid, I wouldn’t want you to be not okay. I’ll just go on my sterile merry barren way while you enjoy your empty, childless life, which you’re okay with.

You made me feel guilty when I went for insemination, despite being pretty much covered by your health insurance. You almost wouldn’t go to the doctor with me to jerk off in the cup because you didn’t want to tell your boss you’d be late for work so you could help your wife get pregnant because she didn’t think anyone should have children. You put your fucking boss, who you hated, over your wife. You put her feelings over mine. I had to beg you to come with me that morning because you couldn’t be bothered to come to the doctor for 10 minutes to help me with something we both should have wanted more than anything.

Someone once accused me of not wanting to get pregnant badly enough to actually do anything in my power to get pregnant. The truth was that I couldn’t face dealing with you anymore on this because you had made my life hell while I was trying to create something that should be a gift from God. But you couldn’t bear to be inconvenienced by things such as tests and jars. You couldn’t open your heart up a little bit to see the pain and the anguish I was going through. You couldn’t be honest enough to say, you know what, I don’t want to have a baby, it’s too much for me to handle, it’ll disrupt this pleasantly organized life I have created. So don’t do it, okay? No. You made me feel guilty and awful and ridiculous for wanting to try. You never understood my pain in anything else, I don’t know why I expected you to understand my pain in this.

And now I sit here and people keep saying to me, boy, you must be glad you never had children, now that you’re divorced. And you know what, those of you who dare to ask that stupid question? No, I’m not glad we didn’t have children. I am in pain every single day because we COULDN’T have children. I did not choose to not have children. Part of it was nature, part of it was his choice. It was never my choice. We didn’t have children because he was too selfish to allow us to. We didn’t have children because God didn’t choose to bless us with them. So don’t ever ask that stupid fucking question to anyone on this earth again because you don’t know anything about why they don’t have children and how they feel about that.

I could deal with your cruelty and your indifference and your brutality. I could forgive you for making me feel small and stupid and unloved and unwanted. I could forget that you tried to shatter my dreams and almost let me kill myself on that one long, empty night. But for this, I will never be able to forgive you because you took away my choice in something that was possibly the most important thing ever in our lives. You turned your back on that and never looked back. You never tried to find out what that did to me, just like you never tried to find out what anything did to me. For never even seeing what you took away from me, I will never forgive you. For leaving me empty and aching and filled with sorrow and anguish whenever I see the beautiful, glorious faces of children around me, I will never forgive you. For never really even allowing the possibility, I will never forgive you.

I think that’s when the end began, when you closed that door on me without seeing the damage that was done. But you’ll never understand because you don’t have the heart to. And that’s just pathetic.