The woman to be

I am beginning to see the woman I am to become. Something about stability in my life – as much as I will have – that seems to have brought this about. That and the lack of clowns in my head – although I do hear their tin cups banging against the bars, demanding to be let free. Luckily, the bars have held.

What I see is probably not that much different from what I was. Maybe just more defined. Ironically, without having someone in my life to be defined by, I am becoming more defined. There are no expectations except what I put upon myself. No one to answer to except for myself. Sounds great but I can be pretty hard to please.

What I see is the image of a woman done in watercolor or maybe done by Picasso. There are bits and pieces I can make out clearly and see what they are and they are incredible. But there are still bits and pieces that are not so easily seen and could be anything at this point, and they are shadowy and erratic. But without those, the picture wouldn’t make sense.

I see a woman in front of me who is strong, confident, fearless. Someone who doesn’t second guess (well, not too much) and has embraced her strength rather than find excuses to hide it. I see a woman who understands her emotions, doesn’t strangle them and conceal them, but who also knows how to wrangle them and work through them instead of letting her emotions run amuck and create destruction. I see a woman who laughs easily and loudly and doesn’t worry about being too loud. A woman who loves deeply those around her, without hesitation, without over-thinking, without agenda. A woman who understands that, to be whole, you have to be open to being hurt again. A woman who is no longer in hiding, who doesn’t cower, but doesn’t overpower at the same time.

That same woman is also vulnerable and easily wounded. That maybe is not as much of a weakness as it sounds. It means being able to love fully and completely, regardless of the outcome. It does mean pain and sorrow but it also means an incredible amount of feeling and passion. You can’t have one without the other, I don’t think. She trusts maybe a little too easily but it also makes her easy to trust. She is the pillar many others need and, in turn, there are suddenly pillars for her in her times of need.

She is creativity personified. Maybe to a fault sometimes with too many fingers in too many pies but there is such a deep passion and drive for this creativity that it makes up for all else. Embracing that creativity and learning to acknowledge her gift for it allows that passion to be released without qualification and so it becomes true artistry, not something that someone else thinks it should be. It is pure and from the source.

Mostly, I see someone who is unapologetic about who she is, both with good and bad, because we are all made up of both. There is no perfect. There is no right way to be. There is only who I am, with strength and weakness, with power and with fear, with grace and with goofiness. Ying and yang, one and the other.

There is still a long way to go to build this woman I see but I can also see the blocks that are there for this creature. I see it in the eyes of those around me, both my new friends and my cherished older ones. I am so unbelievably blessed to have those eyes around me because, without them, I wouldn’t have begun to see a reflection that mirrors what I see in my mind’s eye. I see the person I have wanted to be for so long reflected back in your eyes, all of you, and it’s astounding. With those reflections, with that love, with that support, I know I am on the right path and that the woman I am meant to be is just waiting around the corner for me to finish discovering.