Moving in so many ways...

Zadra said she likes when I go through the dark times because I always come out on the other side with revelations. And she’s right again.

These past few weeks have been a huge struggle for me. All the changes coming about in my life have just about crippled me even as they give me hope. Strange, that combination. I’ve also been dealing with huge issues regarding my ex and coming to terms with a lot of things that I don’t think I’ve dealt with yet. Every time I think I’m past him, something else rears its ugly head.

Although, after hanging out with AJ last night, I had a startling realization this morning. And it’s something I’ve touched on before but I think this morning, for some reason, it’s clearer to me. All the men on earth are not my ex. As I expressed to AJ last night the fears that are associated with my jewelry business because of my ex, AJ said succinctly, “He’s in your past now. Fuck him.” (I love AJ!) Chairman has said the same thing, but maybe a little more delicately.

This morning I feel that sense of leaving my ex behind. It’s only taken me 16 months. Someone said once that it takes a month of healing for every year you were with someone. I guess I’m right on schedule. I hope that with this move this week, I can leave his ghost behind and finally reclaim the final part of me from him. If any of you know of any kind of ceremony that would complete this (smudging is already in the plans for this weekend), please let me know. I’m big into visualizing these kinds of changes and movements because I think that helps solidify it.

I also can finally put words to why these three men who are so special to me affect me the way they do (including you for a brief time, Mr. CL). All of them are open to me in a way that my ex never was. They don’t hide their souls in the dark recesses of themselves, not sharing, not giving, not parting with anything. They openly share themselves. They don’t judge me. They let me say anything to them and they actually listen. If I tell any of them I’ve been struggling through a hard depression lately, the first thing that happens is they wrap their arms around me and hold me for a moment longer than usual. They don’t question, they don’t try to solve it. They just do what I need so badly – hold me, love me, let me know that it’s okay. They are honest with me, as AJ was last night, and don’t pull punches but, as is my new favorite expression, they don’t wield the truth like a weapon. I can share my fears and my concerns with them and they don’t make me feel stupid or that my feelings are invalid. They also don’t let me get away with using those fears as a way to get out of facing something.

And it’s not just the way they deal with me. It’s the way they take themselves into the world. When any of them walk into a room, the energy level doubles. When the three of them are together, they are a force to behold. I think it’s because they are open with themselves and want to share themselves with the world. So they let their passion and their joy and their souls out to play, without worrying about what anyone is going to say, without being concerned about being foolish or silly. In fact, these three will go out of their way to be thought of as silly if it will make someone laugh. They wear their passions and their joys on their sleeves.

I don’t think I have ever had men in my life like this. At least, not in such a significant way. Actually, maybe it’s that some of the men in my life previously grew out of allowing their energy, their passion to be so obvious and became protective of that part of themselves. And that’s a shame. I know I did this to myself for the last five years or so of my marriage and it was only when I started to release those senses did I feel whole.

I guess I’ve been lucky with the women in my life as I have always felt such a close bond with the few women I had kept close to me previously. I never felt the same judgment and sense of lacking from the women around me so I don’t gush so much about the women around me now because I have had this open, honest, wonderful relationship with the important women in my life all along. It’s the masculine energy that has always been closed off and inaccessible.

It’s an amazing discovery to me to really understand this because it’s just another piece of the puzzle of why it is so important that I did leave and should leave my ex behind. It’s another piece of knowing what I want out of someone who I may want to share my life with. It also reflects to me what I want to present to the world and what I want to give back to those around me. If these men are so willing to share themselves with me, then I have to be willing to share myself so willing back to them. I know I try but I don’t always think I succeed. And yet, here they are, still there, still open, still understanding that, maybe right now, I cannot return what they give me. But they don’t seem to be ready to take their energy away from me. I think they’re willing to hang around and see what the future brings. They’re willing to be patient and kind and gentle as I continue to grow. They won’t punish me because I’m struggling. They’ll be there with warm embraces and open hearts when I get there. They have taught me that it’s okay to trust that masculine energy again and that it can be different than his was. And that’s a huge step for me.

There’s so much more to this that I want to add but I cannot seem to find the words. It’s a burst of feelings in me that come to mind, not actual sentences – trust, warmth, joy, relief, release, contentment, affection, connection. I may explore this further as I begin to find the words.