Moving forward still.

These past two weeks or so have been a real struggle. I walked away from a project because I didn’t feel that it was quite there. The project is going forward and I wish the new team all the best in the world that it comes off well but I’m left with mixed feelings about the whole situation. I really don’t want to go into it because I know some of those involved read this blog and it’s not that I have anything negative to say or want to disparage anybody involved, as that would be unprofessional and I don’t want to be unprofessional, but… I guess I’m just struggling with the aftermath of something I thought would be one thing and it ended up something else. I have a hard time letting things go and it’s been hard for me to let this one go. I still stand behind my decision and I still think I handled everything to the best of my ability. But I can’t help but be left with this unsatisfied, slightly disappointed feeling. Oh, well. Move on, get past it. The project is still going up but with a whole new team and I hope it is what the writer wants it to be.

Then continued turmoil on the relationship front. No movement in one area but some in the other. Wow, cryptic blog tonight but, oh, well. Maybe this one’s just for me. Trying to find my way through the delicate minefield of two very different situations. Zadra says it’s my fault that I get into these situations with men, that I’m not a game-player and, therefore, men feel comfortable with me and get close to me very quickly, which sometimes makes things more complicated than they should be. It explains some things, maybe. I am generally more comfortable with men than I am with women because I do find that women play games, not only with men, but with other women. I hate the falseness of most women – Bitchface and Pantiless Girl are what I would consider shining examples of womanhood – and I hate watching these women play these coy and ridiculous games that, unfortunately, most men fall for, even temporarily. But, if I follow Zadra’s thought, does that mean I have to play games in order to not have men get close to me, so that men will deal with me on the basest level instead of on the deep intellectual level I prefer? I mean, if it means I have to giggle and toss my hair (or my cookies, as in Pantliess Girl’s case), then I’d rather be alone and dead than open with the men in my life. At least I know they respect me. At least I know they respond to me and not my tits, although those have gotten attention on a rare occasion. I never learned how to play games and I’m not at an age where I want to learn.

Then the other project I love is probably going to be put on the backburner due to situations beyond my control. I’m disappointed but I think I have something I can put in its place, so it’s not so bad.

But all of this stuff has built up into a sneaky depression that has left me unable to do anything for the past two weeks or so. The only real bright spots have been the couple of nights with Chairman and his mother, which were so special and so precious, and, of course, Koji’s. I guess the good thing is that I recognized the clowns sneaking up on me before they got a hold of me and pulled me too far under. They did disrupt things and put me off my timetable a bit but at least I caught it before they sunk too many things. I’ve been sitting in the apartment too much and not venturing out because I have been so caught up in the mess in my head. But since Friday, when I realized I heard the squeaky shoes of those bastards, I have fought to pull myself out of the nosedive I was heading into. At least I’m beginning to recognize the symptoms before the depression gets too black. At least I’m not on the ledge again.

Monica hung around tonight and talked to me about some of these things, which was a big help. Sometimes, just having someone say that it’s okay to feel that way, that I’m not way off on my feelings about these things really gives me some relief. I look forward to the day when I don’t need that validation but, for now, I guess I still do.

The good news is that I got my place tidied up a bit today, which helps with keeping the clowns at bay. I plan to dive back into the Cinderella edit over the next few days and get it in shape to show Chairman and get his opinion, as my producer, and hopefully get it off to the composer soon so I can screen it in the next few months. I plan to talk to my artistic director about the new project, which I think I am as excited about as I was about Gross Indecency. So I begin the week more hopeful and less blue, feeling okay to feeling the way I do about these complicated situations, and feeling like I have a potential solution to at least one of these complex relationships. I hope the end of the week finds me with some clarity and some resolution and some forward movement because I’m tired of being stuck here.