Challenges and comfort zones

Challenges continue to rise to meet me, whether I want them to or not. The transitions in my life are weighing heavy on me and it’s been hard to keep my spirits up.

Then Zadra said something to me the other night that really struck me. Regarding the OOMA, she said, “He’s very comfortable with the way things are with you so of course he’s not going to change anything.”

That made me think about all the things that we put up with because we’re “comfortable” with the situation. How many times do we find ourselves not changing the things in our lives that hurt us and punish us and make us very unhappy because we’re “comfortable”?

I was thinking about Monica talking a while ago about how much she hated her job. She was waiting for her boss to fire her because she was so unhappy there. As with most of us, she was cautious about leaving this job without having something else to fall back on. But in a conversation with Deena, she began to see the truth of it – she was comfortable with where she was. She knew what she faced every day, regardless of how bad it was, and she wasn’t about to make the changes necessary because she knew she would have to struggle for her pay check if she left. It would mean being in an uncomfortable place in order to make herself happy. Monica took a deep breath and jumped into the DZone – the Discomfort Zone. She’s broke, she’s struggling, but she’s never been happier. She’s quit the job she hated, has found some work temping, found a guy. Okay, so the guy may have nothing concretely to do with leaving her job but maybe her becoming happier about her situation drew the guy to her. Who knows? I just know that her plunge into the DZone gave her a new outlook on life and has given her enormous comfort, in a strange way. She had to be uncomfortable to get comfortable.

I know I stayed with my marriage for so long because of the “comfort” factor. He was always there. We fell asleep every night with his arm wrapped around me. I knew I could count on him if I needed something concrete done. I couldn’t count on him for the emotional things I needed but I knew I could count on him for basic things of daily living. I lived with the other stuff and the lack of emotional fulfillment because what else was I going to do? I knew this life. I wasn’t ready to leap into the DZone because it would mean letting go of what I knew and going into the unknown.

But eventually comfortable becomes its own discomfort. If you sit around “comfortably” for too long, it become complacent, which is not always good. It’s because you don’t know anything else, because you don’t want to see anything else. Being comfortable can mean avoiding confrontation, avoiding the things you should face in your life, avoiding change.

I finally had enough of being “comfortable” and jumped into the DZone. It’s not comfortable. It’s harder than hell, even on the good days. My life is anything but comfortable. I miss the comfort of his arm around me at night so badly sometimes, it’s painful. I cry myself to sleep many nights because I miss the comfort of having someone hold me. I fight with depression so deep that sometimes is makes me completely useless, as it has in the past few days. I haven’t been able to get off the couch, never mind actually get anything done. I’m moving for the fourth time since last June – into an apartment with my parents. No comfort there. In fact, I’m there to provide comfort for my mother and my father. There may be some comfort in their presence, but it’s going to be strange and uncomfortable for a while as we get used to each other again. My jewelry business needs to be dealt with but, again, an uncomfortable place I don’t want to go.

Yet, the DZone has given me something that I had lost before I entered it – a life. An uncomfortable life. A life filled with chaos and disorganization and unpredictability. A life that is anything but comfortable. A life that lacks someone to hold me and someone to comfort me. But a life that is my own and no one else’s. A life where discomfort is not always a bad thing. A life where comfort does not mean compromise and giving up something that I live for. Where discomfort is leading me to define my own comfort and what I want to make my life the life that I want.

I never want to be “comfortable” again unless it’s comfortable on my terms, unless it’s comfortable in the best sense of the word. I don’t want to give up what I need, what I desire, just to be “comfortable.” So many artists do that – give up their dreams for the comfort job and the comfort life and the comfortable expectations of family and friends. They trade the organic comfort of their art for the “acceptable” comfort of others’ expectations.

As for the OOMA and his comfort level, I guess I have let myself get comfortable with where we are because then neither of us is required to do anything but accept where we are and be comfortable with that. Well, that’s going to change. I don’t know how yet and I don’t know when, but once again, it’s time to leap into the DZone to find the real comfort that I need. And if that means losing him, then so be it. The DZone is not an easy place to be but, in the end, it leads us to the place we should be, if we can allow ourselves to delve into discomfort for a little while.