Less than...

Why do we settle for less than? Less than what we want, less than what we need, less than what we require to live? We, as women, in particular seem to have that down pat. I have two friends right now involved in comfortable relationships that are not feeding them but they are there because they are. They both know these relationships are limited in their duration, limited in their fulfillment, limited in what they can do for them, yet they both remain, willing to accept less than for now because it’s better than not having at all.

I’m not judging them. It’s their lives. They can live them any way they want to. It just makes me sad and frustrated and angry that we have learned that settling for less than what we want is acceptable.

I have no sway to talk. I have settled for a non-existent relationship with a reluctant non-participant and wasted countless hours and days and weeks pondering and planning and accepting less than because there is nothing else in my life. Personally, nothing else in my life. I am uncompromising when it comes to my creative life but that hasn’t carried over into my personal life. I stand and declare that I am a solitary warrior, possessing my life completely and controlling it absolutely. That’s such bullshit. If that were true, would his picture be everywhere in my apartment when there is nothing there but friendship? Would I tolerate being told we’re just friends but yet hanging on to those ambiguous feelings that float between us? Would I allow him to continue to be non-committal and controlling the situation to his advantage if I were truly a warrior and truly in control? God, no. I have accepted less than because I chose to. Because it was better than having nothing and no one.

I’m not sure if less than comes from that fear, that fear of having no one, of having to be all to ourselves, without having someone to reflect our lives back at us. We all have friends and we all have people who love us and support us. But even from them, we don’t usually accept less than. Someone crosses a line or pisses us off, we tend to end that friendship or cut that person out of our lives. But when it comes to those closest to us – usually our lovers, our significant others, our other halfs to ourselves – we cannot draw that line, we cannot take that control. Instead, we try not to rock the boat and we accept what is given us, even when it is so inferior to what we really require.

I guess I’m still full of anger and resentment from this weekend but it’s more than that. It makes me look at the years of my marriage, the times I knew that I was not getting what I needed to survive, the times I gave in just because I was too fucking tired to argue anymore. I let him control things because I couldn’t fight with him about it anymore. I gave in because I didn’t know there was another choice. And there was. And it may have ended our relationship sooner had I been able to stand up and say, hey, asshole, that’s not right, that’s not fair, that’s not what I want/need/desire to have in my life. Your treatment of me is not feeding me. Your constant negativity is not feeding me. Your whole presence in my life at this point is less than and it’s made my presence in your life less than and we both deserve better.

We desire to have more than’s in our lives. We desire to have those that feed us and nurture us and make us feel like we’re overflowing with more than. Because being given more than makes us give more than. And, for a time, I was getting more than from the current obsession but, somewhere along the line, I wanted more than he is able to give. And that makes me angry and frustrated and confused and I end up hanging around, settling for less than, waiting to see if more than is around the corner. And, you know what? It’s probably not.

And realizing that more than is not there is the hardest thing in the world because do we walk away from less than to nothing? Do we leave that security and that consistency and that comfort for nothing? It’s hard to see that there may be more than out there, if we could just let less than go and put it behind us in pursuit of more than. But the pursuit of more than is extremely difficult and lonely and empty on the way. And more than doesn’t always manifest itself in the way that we desire and, I think, sometimes we miss it and have to wait for it to come around again.

I had a brief glimpse of more than until I screwed it up on my own. And it was wonderful. To have someone make you feel like you can conquer the world, that you can do no wrong, that you will be caught should you misstep and fall, there is nothing like it in the world. To catch a glimpse of more than makes me understand why we sometimes settle for less than, hoping that it will turn into something more. Maybe we get glimpses of it and we think that if we just hold on, more than will come. But, in my case, my timing sucked and I think I blew what could have been, causing me to wait around, hoping to get back on the carousel, find the more than again, and do it right this time.

But I am back to realizing that I need more than in my life and I deserve more than. And that may mean really leaving the less than behind and sacrificing something with the potential for almost enough to take the chance that something more than is waiting out there for me. I gave up a life of less than and I shouldn’t settle for it again. And, if it comes to this, it will break my heart to walk away from less than because he has been so much to me. But I deserve more. And so does he. And, for a brief moment, I thought that we could be that for each other. But I don’t want to become what I see my friends becoming – someone who takes less than rather than risk seeking for more. I started on this path over a year ago and I guess I’m meant to keep trodding it. I just hope that I find something soon. The path is awfully empty right now.