In your hands...

I’ve never been good at leaving things in your hands. I know you’re omniscient and all that. I know you’ve got the blueprint for my life and are trying to show me the path to follow for that blueprint. But I also know that the detours along the way can surprise both of us, although you always are ahead of me and leave me bread crumbs.

I know I’m supposed to trust. I know I’m supposed to let you run things. But I’ve never been good at letting anybody run things around me. And maybe that’s the lesson you’re trying to give me right now.

My life has been so chaotic, it’s been hard to know what to trust, who to trust, how to trust. Are my feelings sent from you or are they distractions meant to keep me off the path? Is my instinct real or is it just an illusion, created by the clowns, designed to keep me off balance, keep me guessing? Or am I to trust it implicitly and hope that wherever it leads me is where I am supposed to be?

I guess I’m questioning now because there is so much unknown about to descend on me and I’m not sure I can handle it all. I’ve handled enough this year, thank you very much, and I’m not sure how much more I can handle. I have no balance recently, no footing, and it’s unnerving.

And with matters of the heart, they’re so hard and confusing and messy that it’s hard to see the truth that is there. I have a truth, he has a truth, others see what they think is the truth and somewhere in there is what really is the truth. How do I get to that? I think I know what my instinct tells me and what my heart tells me but is that what you want me to hear? Or am I not hearing you and just being stubborn, banging my head against the wall, as I am wont to do. All I know is that I end up wounded and confused and angry and so many other things, thinking I’m trusting you and letting you show me the way when maybe I’m interfering with you and your plan. If I am, please let me know because this is an area that I am tired of not trusting in.

And the fits of blatant honesty have not gone away. That worries me. Is that from you as well? Is this the way you’re trying to get me to face things, just actually tell the truth about what I feel, how I feel and what I think? Oh, please don’t make me do that. Nobody does that. It leads to actually finding things out, letting things out, showing your heart and your soul without any coverage, without any pretense. I used to know how to be like that, I’m way out of practice now. But you seem determined to not let me hide behind those things anymore, at least right now, which makes it very scary for me. I’m not sure what’s going to come out of my mouth, and I guess I’m supposed to trust that you’re behind me, playing Cyrano and whispering in my ear. If that’s so, then I hope I hear you correctly.

I just know that I’m tired of guessing, I’m tired of working so hard to figure things out, I’m tired of the not knowing, the not seeing, the not having. And I guess that’s what always leads us humans to say – here you go. I can’t do this anymore. I need you. Could you please help me? And that’s what I’m asking. Please help me. Here are my burdens. You know them. We’ve spoken often about them. I’m giving them to you, for you to see, for you to help me find the solution.

Send me a note when you have something for me. I’m on Myspace. I look forward to hearing from you. Thanks for listening.