Karaoke saved my life…

I don’t know why it is, but just going to Koji’s on Thursday nights helps get me out of funks.

I have been struggling for the past week or so, fighting off the circus clowns after spending extended time with my family. We haven’t all been together in a very long time but whenever we do get together, I find that I am the least important person there. I now understand where my issues of feeling invisible and unimportant come from. It’s not their fault, it’s not like they intentionally do it. It’s just one of those things. There are worse things families do to each other and we all bear the wounds that our families foist upon us. For me, it’s an issue that was exacerbated throughout my marriage – the feeling that I didn’t exist, that I didn’t matter. I still struggle with that a great deal, the sense that I could walk away and no one would miss me. It tends to lead me down that deep, dark rabbit hole that somehow ends up under the circus tent.

I know it’s not real. I know that I am as important to my friends and family as they are to me. But it’s hard to reason out the irrational.

So today I spent mostly in bed or on the floor, almost completely unable to function. I got some work done because I had to. I picked up my check and went to the bank, because I had to. I came home, took some stuff to help alleviate the ennui, then crashed in bed, “The Quick and The Dead” playing in the background for distraction. I wasn’t going to go to Koji’s because I just couldn’t. I slept a bit, and the pills kicked in, which helped lift the veil a tiny touch. I decided to try to get showered and, if I managed that, then get dressed and, if I managed that, then maybe go to Koji’s for an hour. The whole day was that – get up, do work. If I make it that far, check email. If I make it that far, do a bit more work. Lay down. Get up. Tiny little fragments of my day were all I could handle.

I allowed the circus clowns to have full reign over my brain, convincing me of the most ludicrous things, mostly focusing on the invisibility factor. Trying to convince me that I don’t matter to someone who is very near and dear to me, that my presence is not required and I would not be missed at all by this person. My heart broke to think of that. And that made me want to crawl back in bed, just let it be. Fine. I won’t go if I won’t be missed. Stupid, irrational thoughts.

I read through the responses to my blog from Thursday and the irrationality continued. Well, maybe not irrational but just the worn out, tired woman I have been feeling these last few days. I wanted to lash out all the well-meaning responses and say, yeah, I get it, I know it will get better and there is some warrior guy out there waiting for me and, yeah, I know, I won’t be alone the rest of my life and I am a Great Dane and all of that. But, today, just today, I want to be just what I am – a wounded, broken, suffering woman who doesn’t have a clue what the hell she is doing with her life. I wanted to just scream, I’m nothing special, I’m not an example, I’m not an inspiration. I’m full of shit and I talk a good game but, inside, I’m falling apart. I can’t stop crying the past few days. I’m empty and hollow and aching and shattered. I put on a good game face sometimes but this is what I really am. And I don’t want to be told it’ll be all right. I want to be not all right for a while. Then I’ll come back to the warrior woman I know I am truly deep inside. But just for today, I can’t wear that armor. I want to be able to just WANT. To be weak and say, hey, you know what, I want to be held. I want someone to love me. And, yes, sex wouldn’t suck either.

So I managed to pull myself somewhat together and decided to go to Koji’s just for an hour or so, to get me out of my very messy apartment and maybe feel less yucky.

Well, it’s now 2:42. So I didn’t leave in an hour. Once again, those amazing people around me saw my pain and acknowledged it then let me be in pain. Monica chatted with me about it for a bit. The others that are in the “new group” gave hugs and welcomes. I sang “Rainy Days and Mondays” because that’s what I felt like singing. It helped. Then Chairman arrived, which always cheers me up. An old friend, Vanessa, joined us and a new friend, Marlo, who is working on a show with Chairman, also joined us. The conversation went everywhere and nowhere. And slowly but surely, I found myself smiling more and hurting less. Vanessa and I traded ex-husband stories (she wins, by the way). I filled Marlo in on being Richard’s ex and she bonded with me over that. Drew wore polyester, which was worth it for just that, and did his best AJ impersonation. Monica rocked, as usual. And Chairman sang the Rolling Stones, a rare treat.

By the time we all left at 1:30, I felt like I could get through the night. That maybe getting up in the morning was going to be much less painful than I had anticipated. That the circus clowns had been beaten back behind their barriers and that maybe, just maybe, I might be able to sleep tonight without too much help.

I wasn’t invisible. I wasn’t unimportant. I wasn’t unloved. Monica’s smile and Chairman’s embrace assured me of that. Sometimes, I need the unspoken knowledge that I matter, the nonverbal way that those who I love and who love me interact with me that lets me know I matter to them, that they would miss me as much as I would miss them, should we somehow lose each other. All the written reassurances and the encouragement I get in cyberspace is wonderful and amazing, don’t think it isn’t. And I so appreciate it as it means a great deal to me. But there is nothing like the embrace of someone you love to tell you that you are here, you are present, and you are significant. I go to bed tonight, holding that feeling in my heart, hoping that it will still be there when I wake in the morning.