This is too hard

This leaping back into the dating pool is just too hard. Maybe I should become crazy cat woman and have an excuse as to why there is no man in my life other than I suck at the whole dating thing. Or maybe crazy karaoke lady. I could show up in strange costumes and make everyone uncomfortable with the unwashedness of my outfit.

It’d be so much easier than this.

I was never good at the dating thing. I can’t read signals for shit. I think someone is coming on to me only to find out that they had the flu or were trying to sell me Amway. I think I’ve already discussed my complete lack of flirting skills. And I never learned to play games with guys, other than those that required a scorekeeper and some sort of sporting equipment.

And forget my making the first move or the second move or any move of that sort that may be required. Since I suck at signals, I don’t want to risk reaching out that way and then finding out that what I thought was a wink and encouragement was an asthma attack and food poisoning.

I want it to be simple. I’d love to be able to just say to someone, hey, I think you’re interesting. I enjoy being with you. Let’s see where this will go, no expectations, no pretenses, just see where it goes. Or have him say something similar to me, that he finds me fascinating – okay, maybe that’s a bit much but at least something clearer, more definite, more streamlined.

It’d be so much easier all the way around if we could just do that. Then the games and the flirting and the churning stomach and the wondering and the waiting and the agony could all be avoided.

I remember when I first moved down here what seems like 100 years ago. I met someone at a party and did what I rarely ever did – kinda made out with him in an empty room. Never in my life have I done that and I know why. Scumbag never called. See, there are those stupid signal mix-ups I was talking about. I thought his sticking his tongue down my throat meant something. Apparently, I didn’t read the rule book carefully enough. Tongue-in-throat means thanks for the thrill, don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out.

Now that I’m that much older and that much longer out of the game of dating politics, I don’t even know where to begin again. I hate this feeling of being on the outside of something and peeking in and seeing what I want but being unsure how to get it. Everybody else seems to have the keys to the candy store, including the disgusting young couple at Coffee Bean the other night who were sucking very noisy face at the table next to us. It made me want to go over to their table and scream, “hey, don’t do that here. Not all of us have a face to suck. And, by the way, how did you get him to suck your face?” Maybe something a little more delicate but you get the drift.

So I propose a separate set of rules for those of us newly single, over 35 and after more than 10 years in a relationship prior to the introduction of singlehood.

1. We don’t have to flirt. We did enough manipulating or were manipulated enough in our long term relationship that we don’t need to use those muscles again.

2. We shouldn’t have to engage in small talk of any kind. Been there, done that, created a whole new category of small talk. Talk to us about you, your life, your dreams, your ambitions.

3. Baggage check – I will tell you all about my baggage and you tell me about yours. Don’t hide it, show me the designer knock-off label that broke your heart and I’ll show you the garment bag who stole my heart.

4. Leave the signals for the baseball field. Don’t gesture for me to slide if you want me to bunt. I don’t understand what your signals mean so just tell me. Talk to me. Be clear, be concise and be specific. Don’t leave me to my own devices to make my own decisions about what you really wanted because then neither of us will get any face-sucking done.

5. Most of all, be gentle and patient with us. It’s been a long time since we’ve had to use these muscles, let us stretch them out a bit and see what they’ll stand before we enter into the long, ugly race that is dating. Help us stretch and find those weak spots and build them up. You never know, it might even benefit you in the long run.

I’m sure there are many others that I can think of but it’s late and I’m sleepy and alone and overwhelmed and lonely and scared and about a million other emotions I can’t express. I know this will all get easier with time and as I get further away from that last relationship. I may never learn to read the signals but maybe someone will provide me with a cheat sheet that will give me a clue into what their own signals mean and we can begin the natural, easy process of discovering something new and exciting.