Epiphany

I’m such an idiot. I hereby give you all permission to come up and smack me (not too hard) and agree, Susan, you are an idiot.

I had this epiphany in Charlotte Russe in Glendale Galleria. Let me explain.

I have bitched for the past few months about feeling like I had to be something I wasn’t with my ex. That there was something missing that I couldn’t be. And that I didn’t want to be. I wanted to be myself and that’s it. Flaws and all, just be me. That’s why I left. That’s why I started on this mid-life adventure.

Well, recently I have myself with a romantic possibility or two, if I’m ready to make that step. And I think I am. All I have to do is probably just make it clear that I’m interested in that.

And therein lies the obsession.

I find myself walking through these stores, thinking, if only I could find the perfect top, the perfect jeans, the perfect something that would make me irrestistable for these possibilities. If only I could figure out what would send that message, make them sit up and notice me, notice that I’m ready for that next move. Maybe if I was more girly, showed more cleavage, something.

As I walk into Charlotte Russe with that thought on my mind, what’s the first thing I see? A t-shirt, one of those cute, campy sayings t-shirts. And on this one is the most ironic statement of my life – “he’s just not into you.” I couldn’t help but laugh out loud. Sometimes the universe communicates in subtle ways.

See, this book came out last year, in case you were living in a cave, and was a huge success because it was written by a man who basically laid out the fact that sometimes, he’s just not into you. Common sense. I mocked this book mercilessly as one of my former friends obsessed over married and unsuitable men and why they weren’t returning her calls and why they weren’t interested in her. He’s just not into you. My gay friend who had the same epiphany while watching the author on Oprah – he’s just not into you.

So in the middle of my obsessing on how to be more appealing, more attractive, more something for some potential that’s really not even there yet, I run into this sign from the universe – he’s just not into you.

I laughed. Of course. Maybe he’s just not into me. And I’m making myself crazy trying to figure out what I have to be in order to be more something after all my complaining about not being able to be myself. I’m already trying to change myself into something for an imaginary relationship or relationships that aren’t even in an infancy yet.

And that’s when “I’m an idiot” struck me in the head. Of course I don’t have to be anything like that. I know, I’m an idiot. I know I should understand the basic concept that if someone isn’t attracted to me without my having to create a new persona to please them, then fuck them. However, I find myself doing the same thing I have probably always done, tried to figure what or who I have to be to make someone else happy. And it’s not just in romantic situations, either. I do this in every situation, try to create some image that will be what I’m supposed to be at that moment instead of just being who I am.

See, this is why I don’t like to be alone too much. I make actual discoveries about myself and if I’m not careful, I may actually figure myself out before I spend millions in therapy.

So for this single night, I will embrace myself, flaws and all, and accept that “he’s just not into you” is sometimes a fine answer, in fact, it’s a hepful answser because then I won’t expend the energy on that situation. I can focus on what I think is important – me. My wants, my needs, my own personal selfishness. And if someone finds that attractive, and someone thinks that my flaws are maybe part of my charm, and someone doesn’t care that I’m not perfect, then maybe that’s the person who should be into me and who I should be into.

Idiot no more, I go bravely into the night… and hopefully carry that into tomorrow.