And then the doctor said...

"I'm very concerned the cancer may have spread."

Almost as hard to hear as the first diagnosis.

It started mid-week last week when I noticed some swelling in my clavicle area. I didn't think much of it because I just started radiation treatment as the last round of treatment for my cancer. So I pointed it out to the radiation nurses on Thursday and they said to discuss it with the radiation oncologist on Friday in my check in with him.

Well, on Friday,  I point out the swelling, expecting the RO to say it's nothing, it's a normal reaction, etc. Instead, he palpated it and then frowned and started going, hmmm, a lot. Never a good sign. Then he told me he wanted me to have a CT scan right away. Being Friday, I figured that would happen Monday. Nope. After scheduling it for Monday, the RO called several times and insisted that I do it Saturday.

Now, I'm starting to freak out. When your doctor calls several times and insists on a test on a weekend, that's not a good sign.

So, the RO calls today. I was up the college, turning in some work to tie up loose ends from dropping out in May due to my surgery and diagnosis. Nothing like getting that call on campus. 

The words stopped me cold. No signs of disease yet in the CT scan, which is good. But the RO said, "I'm very concerned that the cancer has spread." He asked me to come in at a different time on Wednesday so he can rethink the radiation protocol to include my collarbone. He had said early on that the clavicle is a place where he was thinking of targeting at first because it's one of the places where the cancer could spread. But he had decided not to treat it.

And now...

Nothing else matters because the cancer may have spread.

The fact that I can't pay my rent yet again doesn't matter. If the cancer has spread, I have to rethink my entire life, including where I live. I have no idea where or how I would move with no money and no credit and nothing at all. 

The fact that I may not be able to return to school doesn't matter. I've just started thinking about what I have to do to be prepared to register in the new year and getting excited about going back to class. But now, doesn't matter. I can't think about that until I have a better idea of what's going on and how serious this is.

Even the Filmmaker doesn't matter. I've put so much of my fear of things into him and the end of our relationship. And now, it just doesn't matter. He hasn't reached out as I finished chemo and things like that since we stopped seeing each other. And I don't expect him to reach out now because he likes his life easy and free of challenges. And I don't fit that mode so I don't expect to hear from him. And it doesn't matter because I need to focus on me and getting through this next challenge.

And nothing else matters. 

I don't know what to think or how to feel. I'm numb again, just as I was starting to feel like myself again. And I was just starting to get past the chemo and looking past the radiation to the future. And I was just getting past the Filmmaker and thinking about who I want in the future.

And now...

Nothing matters.

Because I can't see the future again right now. I can't see past today. I can't see past Wednesday.

I hope the RO has more settling information on Wednesday to give me hope that this isn't as scary and bad as it feels. I'll see.

But right now...

Nothing else matters.