Where do I go?

So, in typical form, I don't know where to go from here. Because right now, I'm feeling stuck.

First, I should know better than to reach out. Aussie has a "partner" who is in Australia. Still gonna have coffee with him. Why not? But I should know better. Next time, I'll rethink reaching out. I'm never successful when I do. And I really don't know that I'm ready to be with someone again right now. Because...

I don't know how I feel about being friends with the Filmmaker. I've never been in this situation. Because I haven't really dated, I've never had to stay friends with someone I've been with. I cut off all communication with my ex because I couldn't survive if I let him stay involved. And the other men I've gotten close to but never got to where I wanted to with them left me behind without a word. So this is all new to me.

I told him I want to be friends and he always said he wanted that. And there's little signs that, as far as he's concerned, we're kind of there. But we haven't seen each other - it's been almost two months since I walked away. 

And I don't think I can see him. As much as I want to be friends and I told him I could, I don't think I can. I'll want to stay with him and I'll want to hold him and kiss him and all that icky, lovey stuff. And he doesn't want that. And I don't know if I can do that.

But I don't want to hurt him because I know how it feels to have someone walk away who I still want to have a connection with. And I don't want to be that person and do that to him. But part of me figures he's already let me go and that I don't mean anything to him other than someone on his periphery that he should maybe stay in touch with.

And I don't want to see that in his eyes when I see him. I don't want to see that he doesn't want to be with me.

But with the holidays coming up, maybe I can avoid him until I figure it out. Until my heart truly lets him go. Some time in 2045.

The ball is in his court to reach out to me to get together so maybe he'll make it easy for me by simply not reaching out to me to get together. Maybe he's already with someone else who is sitting on his couch with him and sleeping in his bed and making sure he doesn't miss me at all. Someone who is holding him and kissing him and all that lovey stuff.

And that will kill me. As much as I want him to be happy.

And I had hoped he'd surprise me. Somehow. But, no. Because that doesn't happen to me. 

And I'm stuck because I'm waiting to move on but my stupid heart apparently isn't ready. And it's pissing me off because nothing is going to change  him and I know that. He's not going to suddenly decide he misses me and he wants to try again and he wants to be with just me. Because he's not. And I'm stuck because I want him to do all of that.

But he won't.

And I start radiation tomorrow and that scares the shit out of me. And I can't help but remember being with him the day before I began chemo and how much I felt comforted by him and calmed by him. And he's not here. 

And I'm stuck because I'm still in treatment and I'm pissed off about that. I have another month and a half before I can begin to put all of this stupid fucking cancer treatment behind me. And maybe I can't put the Filmmaker behind me because I can't put the cancer treatment behind me and I'm stuck. And stuck and stuck and stuck.

And all I want is for him to be here with me. Be stuck with him.

But I'm just fucking stuck. And I don't know how to unstick.