This War is Over - Almost

It's been a long year. Toughest year of my life - quite literally. And it's been taking its toll on me.

Looking back through my blog, I can see how hard it's been. Being prone to depression, going through hard times makes it difficult for me to find the good, the positive in things. I try to keep a good face in public, but in private, it's just too hard sometimes.

And there's been a lot to deal with.

Let's start with cancer. Cancer. Really? Cancer? That thought still goes through my mind. How did I end up here? Still trying to absorb the fact that I am a cancer patient/survivor. 

And it's easy to get sucked into the negative because my energy is about half or less than it usually is. It's so hard for me to not be able to go at everything a thousand  miles an hour and take on the world. Right now, just taking on my staircase is exhausting.

And as much as I have had great support from my friends and from the Filmmaker early on, I still feel like I've gone through this mostly alone. Because as much as everyone loves me and comforts me and takes care of me, the toughest nights have been when I'm alone. No one can be with me twenty-four hours a day so there's been a lot of alone. And as much as they all love me, they haven't been here so they can't relate, as much as they try. And that feels alone. Even laying in bed with the Filmmaker, his arm around me or his hand on my hip, there were still times when I felt so very alone in this. I knew I could wake him up and say, I'm scared, I need... something. And he would have given me whatever I needed. But even that wouldn't have helped. You're still alone in this. Because no one can do it for you. It's just you.

On top of cancer, life goes on. And the side effects and the emotional toll build and build and build as you go through this because you can only process so much of it at a time. Mostly, you  put your head down and just get through the day. You try to be normal but most days, normal is a stretch. Most days, just getting from one room to the other is a herculean accomplishment. Add to that pressures of  life and the unique pressures of handling this disease and it's crippling.

And I right now, I'm having trouble getting through the last of this. The weight o the last ten months is crushing me. I just want to be done. I just want to be done. 

Radiation is quicker and easier. In and out in 15 minutes as opposed to four to six hours. And no epic chemo-type side effects.

But it's 33 more days of facing this disease head-on. And it's five days a week, not one day every couple of weeks. And I just don't want to do it.

But I'm trying to focus on getting to January 18. That's the end of actual treatment. January 18. Just under a year from when I found the lump. There will still be appointments and follow up and estrogen suppressors to deal with but the major stuff will be over.

Then I can start life again. Put all the pain and sadness and anger and everything else behind me. Look back at the good things through these tough times -- and there were a lot otherwise I wouldn't have been able to handle this.

I can look forward to a year of starting over again. Of building my life again. Of building my health again. And if nothing else, this year has really shown me what I want my life to be, from my career to who I want to share my life with. And maybe once this war is over, I can reap the rewards and finally get to the life I want.