Never going to be

You are never going to be what I want you to be, what I think we could be.

And I think I always knew that. But I hoped. Because there were moments…

But you’re never going to be.

And you’re never going to tell me you love me. And I’ll never get to admit how much I love you.

Because you’re never going to be what I want you to be.

And it’s so hard because I miss your big, comfy bed and the big, comfy you in that big, comfy bed. I miss your arms around me as we fall asleep. And talking about Star Trek for an hour. And reaching out and finding you there.

And it’s hard for me to accept it.

But you’re never going to be that.

And you’re not going to change. You’ve been too hurt. And maybe I’ve added to that hurt and fucked up any chance that you’d change. And I’m not going to change. Because I need someone to be what I want them to be, what I need them to be.

And I hate that it won’t be you. And I hate that you’re never going to be that.

There were moments where I thought you could be. And I miss that. I miss your home because, for a minute, it felt like home. It felt like it could be home. And being with you and your kids. It felt so good. So much like what I need, what I want.

But you’ll never be what I want.

And my friends all say maybe you’ll miss me, maybe you’ll change your mind. Maybe on a rainy night like this, you’ll show up at my door, take my face gently in your hands and kiss me and tell me you’ve missed me and make passionate love to me, like you did that one night so very long ago. And I wish for nothing more than that.

But you’ll never be that. And you’re in Hawaii so you’re definitely not going to show up at my door on this rainy night.

And even as a friend, you won’t be what I want you to be.

Because I don’t want you to be my friend. I really don’t. I’ll do it because… I don’t know. Because. But even that, it’s in your court now. I’ve done my part. Now it’s up to you. But I don’t think you’ll make that happen. Because you can’t be what I want you to be.

And I deserve the love I choose to accept. And I need to only accept someone who is going to love me back as much as I love them. And I won’t change. I did need this thing we had to be something more. Not forever kind of more. But at least an inch more. I just needed to know you’d be there, at least for the next little while.

And I’m never going to be what you want me to be. Someone who’s okay with not enough. Someone whose heart isn’t already in your hands. Someone who can let you go.

And I miss you still every single day. I imagine I can feel you, missing me, somehow, some way. But I know that’s not true. I’m already an anecdote in your file of women you’ve dated. Nothing special. Just another one on the list.

And I want you to miss me. And I want you to read this and see how much I miss you. But you won’t. Or if you do, you’ll pretend you didn’t. And I’ll never know. Because you’ll never tell me. Because you’ll never show up at my door, in the rain, to love me.

Because you’re never going to be that.

And I’ll find someone who is that. Or not. I don’t need to have someone. I’ve been alone for a long time and I don’t need someone there. I just liked having you there. Because you showed me that I could love someone again. And you showed me that there are good guys out there who won’t abuse me, who won’t treat me like shit. Someone who can be gentle and tender and caring.

And I hope… I don’t know what I hope. I want you to be happy. And it kills me that I’m not the one to do that for you. But I can’t.

Because you’re never going to be what I want you to be.

And that’s it.