Then there are days like today. Nothing big, nothing major, just simple. The kind of simple I’d like my days to be.
Wake up way too early (probably the worst part of the day) to finish transcription work for my client. Take Mom to run some errands.
Then the best part – go to the studio early to hang out at the coffee shop next door and write. I’ve been stuck on this new script I’m working on with Ranger Smith and Madame H. They gave me a lot of great input yesterday and the short amount of sleep I had must have been just enough to let it settle in. I woke this morning with confidence that I could tackle this script and get it into shape. I have always believed in what we came up with for it but I feel like I haven’t been able to get a grip on the “spine” of the story – what holds the whole script together. I wrote like a demon, almost angry when I had to stop and go to work.
Only had one class today. A bit of a tough one, some challenging kids. But then again, a tough day teaching art to kids beats the shit out of a hard day at practically any other job.
Dashed home. Met with Ranger Smith and Madame H. for a brief but productive hour. Then had to leave to pick up my car way the fuck out in Valencia.
Ranger Smith drove. We sang car karaoke to his little MP3 player (sorry, not an Ipod, don’t really care what it is). Laughed at his “guilty” song choices. Sang out hearts out at the top of our lungs. That was the moment, after battling traffic that shouldn’t have been there, listening to Ranger Smith creatively cuss up a storm, when we were just singing “Your Song”, traveling on the open freeway, beautiful clean, clear air blowing into the car, that was when I thought, to quote Keith Urban, these are the days that we’ll remember.
This simple, easy evening with a new, quickly becoming dear friend goes into the file with CL sitting in my kitchen (in m old life) playing my guitar, everything about that wonderful trip to Vegas with Chairman, chocolate deliciousness concocted by AJ on Valentine’s Day. Those moments that make me know I made the right choice, I made the right life by moving forward. The big moments are easy, it’s the little moments like this that are hard to find. I guess these moments are associated with the precious men in my life because they seem to have been able to create those moments that the man who should have been precious to me became until to create. They make me feel unconditionally loved and cared for, without fanfare, without crying out “look how much I love you.” It is an affectionate love that comes from simple, organic, intimate friendship when both parties are not trying to be anything but two people, living in the moment, just being friends, just being close. You can’t create those moments, you can’t demand that they exist.
I think the end of my marriage began to exist with forced moments. Both of us trying to do what we thought was right for the other, trying to regain that intimacy that had once been there before we became aware of the struggle to find it. He always overthought the organic moments, turning them into what you’re supposed to do instead of what you wanted to do.
And I treasure those real, true, intimate moments that I have had with these amazing men, who are completely unaware how delicate those moments are to me, because to them, I’m sure, they are just moments. Not special, not thought out, just them sharing a brief moment of themselves with me, without thought, without agenda, without plan.
And these moments remind me that love comes in all shapes and sizes and types. While I am seeking a deeper, connected, intimate love, it’s nice to have the universe show me that there is much love surrounding me all the time, if I could just open my eyes, shut off my agenda, and just enjoy the pleasure of the company of the wondrous and glorious men in my life.
So, for tonight, thank you, God, the universe, Buddha, whoever you are that keeps putting these lovely, darling, charming, funny, entertaining, loveable men in my path.
While they make me crazy sometimes – and while I have lost a few of them along the way – I am glad you decided that I needed to have them there, that my heart needed that brief moment of affection and glad that you decided to provide that for me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
No comments:
Post a Comment