Clarity-ish

I cannot decide whether I love or hate days like today, days when I feel like I get my life. I just get it. I understand my past, I understand why my life has been the way it’s been. I understand the choices I’ve made, what worked and didn’t work and why. I can see the things in front of me that I need to avoid and change and accept and all of that. It’s the days when I think I can find a better use for my $75 a week than spending it on a therapist.

One thing I know today and am very clear on – I am going to be alone for a long time. Not because I’m unattractive or not desirable or anything like that. I am not ready to be devastated by a relationship again. And it will happen. No matter what, I no longer believe that I will be with someone forever or for the rest of my life or any of those things. I have had two great loves in my life. The first one was pure and true and real and passionate and painful and horrible and amazing and all-encompassing and one that I will compare the rest of my loves to. It was devastating when he ended it and walked away from me. I thought I’d never get over it. I was about 25. The second one was not so passionate but symbiotic and romantic and difficult and challenging and brutal and loving and committed and suffocating. It was devastating when I ended it. I know I’ll never get over it, despite it being my choice.

I don’t think that I don’t desire an amazing rest-of-my-life type of romance. I just don’t think it’s out there, that I want to have it. I don’t know that I can give of myself that way again because even just the thisclose on-off, what the fuck is it, unrequited whatever the hell it was with the OOMA was devastating enough. And we never slept together. We never even kissed other than in that friendly quick peck sort of way. But my heart is still suffering from him pulling away and I don’t think I ever want to hurt deeper than that, harder than that, hurt the way you do when you love someone so much and you lose them. I don’t think I can do that ever again.

I closed out my accounts on Match.com and OKCupid today for that reason. I signed on to them because everyone else did and it seemed to be the thing to do. But I found myself, time after time, signing on, checking out the supposed “matches” to my profile and just thought, wow, this is sad. These guys suck. That’s it. Plain and simple. They suck. They lie, they hide, they can’t spell and wouldn’t know a comma if it hit them in the crotch. This is definitely not where I’m going to find someone to hold me and support me and make me feel the way I want someone to make me feel. So why am I wasting even 10 minutes a week looking at these guys? It’s not what I want. So I closed the accounts because it’s not who I am.

Another thing I know is that I am a force to be reckoned with and this is the time of my life when I am to find that. I am in the highest creative time I have ever had in my life. I have discovered parts of me I didn’t know existed. This has made me more powerful and more intense as a result. And I like that.

I also know that I am not what men want and, for today, I’m fine with that. Oh, they want me because I am strong and powerful and can show them how to be strong and powerful but they don’t want to be with me as anything more than a friend because I am something more than they can handle. They want someone to stand behind them and not outshine them. They want someone who will be home for them and not be out making wondrous things happen. They say they do, they think they do but, in reality, they don’t. They’re happy to be in my orbit, take what they can from me, and then leave me there when they’ve gotten all they can and take their toys and go home.

I know I will not give to anyone again the way I have because I don’t want to risk that part of me anymore. I am hardened and bitter and guarded and I know that will not change. That will leave me alone, without someone at my side, because I won’t allow that part of myself to be put out there again.

I know that this will be true until I get through all the crap that I understand today and can see today and can process today but that will rear its ugly head tomorrow, making me wonder and worry and fret when I don’t see it so clearly. Until I can embrace the past, the issues, the pain, the hurt, the anger, I will not be able to let anyone else in. And that’s sad.

But I also know my life is so incredibly full and all I have to do is reach a hand out and six hands come reaching back to me. It’s getting easier and easier to reach that hand out and know someone will grab it. It’s getting easier and easier to be real and honest and know my friends accept that in me. That keeps a part of me open and accessible and gives me hope that some day the rest of me might get there.

But today, I am not holding my breath. I am clear, I am understanding and I am accepting.

But who knows what tomorrow will bring?