Mirror, Mirror

03/28/07 – Beauty

I caught myself in the mirror just now and you know what I saw?

Beauty.



Okay, sure, I saw the extra 20 (or 30 or 40) pounds that are sitting around my waist and my butt. I saw the lines around my eyes (my father’s eyes, apparently, and so, therefore, my father’s lines). I saw the toll from 16 years of an abusive relationship on my face. I saw the flaws and the imperfections and the areas that need improvement.

But, for the first time in the past almost two years of my new life, I saw a glimpse of the beauty I have. It’s something we all, as women, lose the ability to see in ourselves. The most beautiful women I know doubt that about themselves, no matter how confident, no matter how sure they are. They still doubt. That’s why we endless do crunches and subject ourselves to counting every calorie and every bite of food and constantly assess and reassess the size of our ass/thighs/waist/boobs.

But tonight, I saw the way my hair now lies – a little longer, a little shaggier, a little more feminine. I saw the faintest glimpse of cheekbone struggling to come through. I saw the light in my eyes – what I’ve always thought was my best feature. I saw a voluptuous woman instead of an overweight one. I saw a figure, not a flaw. I caught a glimpse of the woman I was at 25 and I could see that the woman I was then is still in the woman that I am now, as I face a landmark birthday 20 years later.

I saw that the years that the marriage put on me made me mature, not worn. I saw that the defiance I have makes me strong, not hard. I saw that the struggles and the choices and the disappointments I have faced in the past two years, as well as those through the end of my marriage, gave me a grace and a serenity by accepting and dealing with and trying to put those behind me. I saw the difference between a victim and a Wonder Woman.

I finally saw that, despite the flaws and the foibles and the weight and the wear and tear, I am a dynamic, incredible, beautiful woman who is slowly but surely coming into her own, regardless of the age, regardless of the time. I caught a glimpse of the woman I am becoming through the trials and the struggles and the loneliness and the pain and all of that. I caught a glimpse of the future me and she is astounding. I cannot wait to meet her.