Fear

Today, I am overwhelmed with fear.

I will lose everything. I will survive this but what will be left? 

  I'm a straight A student with a 4.0 GPA. That'll be one of the first things to go.  I'll finish my classes but realistically, a 4.0 will be impossible to maintain.

Financially, I'm not sure how to make it. I'm barely paying my bills and I lose any work at all, I will lose everything, quite literally. I can't pay my rent right now without my student loans and there is nothing left when I get paid after I pay my few other bills. I don't know how I'm gonna do this.

Ironically, my art will probably grow and become something else. That's one good thing.

And the Filmmaker. So much to lose there. Or is there? He said he'd be here and I believe him. But what will we be? And what are we now? Will there be anything left of the glimmer of something or will this always be peripheral until I get through this and he can leave with some dignity and grace? I don't know if we were ever gonna be anything but this, but now I'll never know. And today, I want to push him away because that would just be easier.

And who will I be on the other side? I'm tired already of the "you'll get through this and be stronger" platitudes. I know that's what you're supposed to say but I'm growing to loathe that phrase. I've been so broken by so many things and I always get up and I always get through and I'm always alone on the other side of it. And I just don't know if I can get through being broken again and end up starting again, starting alone, finding my way yet again.

And I know I have friends and I know I have support. And I know they'll be there. But right now, there is just such a feeling of separateness, disconnect. I wish... I don't know what I wish. I wish there was a relationship with a capital R right now. I wish I didn't feel so very alone. I wish to be weak and sad and heartbroken. I wish...

For today, I'll put my head down and my game face on and just go through the motions. And I'll weep for what I'm gonna lose and I'll weep for what I've already lost. 

And tomorrow, I'll get up and start all over again. And I'll maybe feel more optimistic and be all sunshine and puppies and regret I ever felt any of this today. The platitudes will ring true and the loneliness will be less and I'll be fine with the relationship with the little r and life will go on...