Do you think I'm sexy?

Sensual - relating to or consisting in the gratification of the senses or indulgence of appetites

I never appreciated sensuality until I left my marriage. My ex had no appreciation for anything sensual or sexual. In the entire 16 years we were together, I think once I wore beautiful sexy lingerie, only to have him ask me why I bothered. Yep. Sexy.

Even something as simple as perfume, which I love and which makes me feel very sexy, was a constant source of criticism from him. There was a rule that I had to apply any perfume an hour before we went anywhere because he didn't want me getting in the car with fresh perfume. And then inevitable cut down about which perfume I chose to wear.

So needless to say, our sex life was about as sexual and sensual as an episode of "The Golden Girls". Tab A into slot B. An occasional variance but pretty much the same thing all the time. And, yes, I did spend a lot of time going over my to do list in my head while waiting for him to... Well... Ya know.

So discovering the wonder of fishnets and high heels was a revelation. And seeing normal men react to this sensual side of me just blew me away. Yeah, I'm an enlightened, educated, smart woman but I do love it when a man gives me that look from head to toe and makes that appreciative noise in his throat that usually will cause a withering look from his significant other.

And one of the best things about the Filmmaker is his appreciation and affection for all things sensual. He is passionate and sexy and has a healthy appetite for everything that stimulates the senses. And he appreciates that he is the beneficiary of Z's advice to me that life is too short not to wear sexy underwear. 

And then there's sex.

I went almost seven years without having sex. Yup. Almost seven years. I would say I missed it but since my sexual experience is very limited and the last few years of my marriage were so lackluster in that department, I didn't think I was missing much.

But in the past five months, I've had probably more sex than I did in the entire last five years of my marriage. And it definitely is not pedestrian in any sense of the word.

And I'm very insecure about my body in the last few years because I'm not a size six and I'm going to be 50 in a few weeks and I spend half my time covered in paint.

But the Filmmaker makes me feel beautiful and amazing and sexy and sensual and all of those things I never knew I could be.

And now, with this diagnosis, one of my biggest fears is that I'm not going to feel that way again. Right now, my left breast is decorated with a smattering of bruises left over from the biopsy. And knowing that in the coming weeks, I'm going to have surgery and end up with scars as well makes me terrified that I'm going to lose that sense of sensuality I've grown to appreciate as a part of me.

Madame H, my resident sexual advisor, took me out for coffee last night and I talked to her about this a bit. And the thing she said was that sensuality comes from the inside. And that no matter what my outside looks like, I have the capacity to hold on to that sensuality. I just have to know that it lives in my heart, not on my breast.

But I would be lying if I said I wasn't terrified that after the surgery and when my hair falls out from radiation, that this beautiful, sensual man is going to look at me and not want me anymore. I could handle it if I were just a natural evolution of the relationship. After all, that happens. 

But it's not just about this relationship. It about any relationship after this. Despite the fact that, as far as I know right now, the surgery should be minimally invasive and leave very little scarring, will a man find me attractive if I have scars there? Compound that with my age and my weight and the baggage of abuse and I'm can just see the dating profile I could post.

SWF - 50's (I hear stampeding feet already), voluptuous (aka overweight), breast cancer survivor (ugly scarred up boobs) with a history of abuse. Oh, and funny and smart and artistic. Yeah, they'll be lining up.

I've just finally gotten to the point where I wanted to be out there, wanted to be with someone again. Finally risked putting my heart on the line and jump into this relationship with the Filmmaker, which terrifies me on a regular basis because I really have no idea what I'm doing and am convinced I'm gonna fuck it up somehow. But after he's gone, for whatever reason, will someone else want me again? Will someone see me as beautiful and sexy and sensual with not only "natural" imperfections but the scars from surgery and the always-present fear there could be more?

I could go without sex, I'll be honest. Though I wouldn't give up any of it from the last few months. But what I would miss more is the afterwards. The spooning, the cuddling, the way the Filmmaker wraps around me, both consciously as we fall asleep, and unconsciously, in the middle of the night, when he's asleep but still manages to find me and hold me. The loss of that would be more heartbreaking than anything else.

But it's not the Filmmaker's responsibility to make me feel beautiful and sexy and sensual. It's something I have to really embrace and hold on to as I go through this journey and make sure I don't ever let myself lose how great I feel in high heels and sexy underwear. Because one thing I have learned through the past few years is that, ultimately, I am responsible for how I feel. Period. And I have to hold on to that as I go.

And hopefully on the other side of this, I will still see myself as desirable, no matter who's in my life.