Don't know if I can do this...

I was diagnosed today with breast cancer.

I have no quippy blog to post, nothing funny and clever to say.

Luckily, it’s the most common kind of breast cancer, Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. It’s highly treatable and it should be all right in the long run.

It started about a month ago. I was talking on the phone to my heterosexual life partner, Z, and for some reason, put my hand under my left armpit. There was a lump there. I had an appointment at the free clinic a few days away so I thought I’d bring it up to my doctor when I got there.

She checked it out and did a breast exam.

And she found another lump - this time on my right breast. Very tiny. I couldn’t even feel it.

She immediately gave me paperwork to schedule a mammogram and told me to schedule it immediately. And then set up an appointment for a month later.

This week on Tuesday, I went for the mammogram. Didn’t think much of it. Wasn’t too concerned. There’s no history of cancer of any kind in my family and my mother has had a lump or two herself.

Took the bus - two hours to where the mammogram place was. Figured I’d be in and out. After all, there’s no history in my family. I should be fine.

They did all the regular mammography films that they usually do. I was then sent for an ultrasound.

And that’s where it got scary.

The ultrasound tech started at the lump under my left arm and then started to follow something from there to the side of my left breast. As far as I knew, there was nothing there. But on the screen, I could see a dark area she was following with the ultrasound. She focused on the side of my left breast for a while, printed or sent some images and then said she wanted to go and confer with the doctor. She came back and had me go for another mammogram film at a different angle. Again focused on my left breast. Went back for more ultrasound.

About then, I started to panic. I could tell there was something wrong.

Finally, a doctor came in. And that’s when the world shifted.

They had found two more lumps, on the left side. Nothing was showing up on the right side, where my doctor had palpated something. But they were concerned about the two on the left side.

So I went from one lump to four lumps. Fuck.

She told me they were going to do a biopsy. I thought she meant I’d have to schedule another appointment and come back. But instead, they did the biopsy immediately.

Holy fuck.

I texted my two best friends in a panic, saying I was getting a biopsy. They were amazing and texted right back for me to breathe, be calm, all kinds of wonderful reassurance. I was still freaked out but felt better.

Then the doctor prepped me for the biopsy. She explained what she was going to do - they were going to numb the side of my breast and then use this big-ass needle to pull some cells from the one lump in my breast. She numbed the area and then put in the needle. The first sample was fine, didn’t hurt. But the second sample felt like she stabbed me in the heart. And I have a very high pain threshold and I had to hold back the tears. Then I started to shake. The doctor even acknowledged the pain and apologized. They were avoiding one of the lumps because it’s right on the chest wall and she was afraid that one would be very painful.

After she finished, I realized there was no way I could take a two hour bus ride home. I was shaking, I was in terrible pain and I was freaked out completely. I tried to think of who could come over and pick me up in the middle of the day without having to take off work.

I texted the Filmmaker. He knew I was going in for a mammogram but I had assured him it would be nothing. There’s no history in my family so it should just be routine.

He responded immediately that he would come. I burst into tears at that. I needed some comfort and I needed some care and that was on its way.

The doctor explained to me about taking care of the biopsy site but I barely heard her. All I could think about was that they had to do a biopsy and that the amount of lumps had doubled. Scared the shit out of me.

The Filmmaker made record time and picked me up. I could tell by the look on his face that he was very concerned but uncertain of how to handle this. He asked a lot of questions, let me talk as much as I needed to. I put my hand on his leg the whole time he was driving because I just needed connection. I really wanted him to take me to his place and just sit on the couch and have him take care of me. But part of me really just wanted to go home and process and be alone. As we drove towards my place, he asked me if I needed to eat. His solution to most things -- good food or good booze.

He took me to Barney’s Beanery, a staple in Hollywood that I had never been to. By that time, I was exhausted, starving, worn out and emotionally spent. We sat in the booth and I just let him talk. I asked him about his week and let him just talk. I just needed some normalcy. Every time I flinched or frowned, he immediately stopped and asked me what I needed. I just wanted to hear him talk. Not to think about what could be.

Fully fed and feeling a bit better, he drove me home. I had been telling him how incredibly broke I was, that I wasn’t sure how I was going to get to work because I was completely out of money. He asked me if I wanted some “walking around money”, which made me smile. He’s something like somebody out of the 1940’s, which is one of the things I absolutely adore about him. He’s old-fashioned and charming and darling and he really came through for me.

But I could see a bit of panic under his smile. We’re supposed to be casual. I didn’t want to ask too much of him because of the loose nature of our relationship. But I was just glad he was there and he took care of me.

I’ve spent the past few days just holding my breath, waiting to hear about the results.

And I got the call today at noon.

Invasive ductal carcinoma.

It means the cancer is in my milk ducts or lymph nodes. Most women who are diagnosed with cancer are diagnosed with this type. The doctor said it’s highly treatable. I will hear from someone at the clinic next week who will help me figure out the paperwork to get all of my treatment covered since I have no insurance. They will also let me know what the treatment plan is. Sounds like it’s going to be surgery -- a lumpectomy -- first and then some radiation after that. Hopefully, that will get all of it and be done.

But all I can think about tonight is that I have cancer.

I have cancer.

And I don’t know if I can do this.

I have dealt with so much in my life. Highly dysfunctional family, abusive marriage, starting my life over not once but twice. Finally feeling like I have my life together - going to school and getting straight A’s, loving my teaching job which will probably evolve into running my own studio this year, and the relationship with the Filmmaker.

And now…

I have cancer.

And knowing it’s treatable and knowing it’ll probably all be good in the long run doesn’t help tonight.

Tonight, all I can think about is -- I don’t know if I can do this. I’m tired. And I’m worn out. And I’m tired of dealing and handling and being strong and all of that bullshit. And I don’t know if I can be strong again and handle again and deal some more.

I know I have an amazing support system and I have friends who will absolutely be there for me. Anna even offered to drive down from San Francisco tonight if I needed her here.

But I don’t know if I can do this.

And all I can see tonight are the things I could lose. I’m not sure how the treatment is going to affect my schoolwork and my time at school. I’m not sure how it’s going to affect my job. Although my scheduler assured me today they will work with me and take care of me.

And I’m afraid I’ll lose the Filmmaker. He’s an awesome guy and he’s very sweet. But he didn’t sign up for this. He has made it clear he wants a “casual” relationship, that he wants something that isn’t terribly serious, something that is fun and easy and comfortable.

And now, this is going to be none of that, at least for a while. And that scares the shit out of me. I’m hoping he continues to surprise me, as he always does. I kinda know he’ll be there as a friend but I hope he’s there as more.

So for tonight, I’m overwhelmed and terrified. And I’m going to weep and cry and mourn all the things that are pouring out of my heart. And I’m going to let myself think about the worst case scenario and I’m going to let myself be sad.

And then tomorrow…

I’ll get up. I’ll go and teach. I’ll see the Filmmaker briefly as he brings his daughter in for art class with me and I’ll have to figure out how to deal with him in that moment. And then I’ll come home and go to bed and get up Sunday and continue to live. And I’ll figure out time to sit down with the Filmmaker and lay it all out for him and let him decide what he wants to do.

And I’ll deal with it, whatever his answer is.

And I’ll chant with my Buddhist friends on Sunday and hope that that positive energy infuses my body and helps with the healing.

And I’ll do what I always do - put one foot in front of the other and right it out to the other side.

And I’ll have days where I can’t do it and that’s just the way it is.

And today is one of those days.